Whew! Another Monday is upon us, and I should feel a little stressed because it's a manic kinda day of the week, but it's one of my days off so I'm working into it slowly. I had to thank the Starbucks' gal that spelled my name right this time. Yes. I mean....it just not me when they spell it "PHIL". That name belongs to another 'doctor' that worked down the street from me a couple of years back. A coffee and morning bun after my protein shake to start out my day!
This is largely due to the fact that I had a later night than I anticipated. Why? It was karaoke night last night, and the crowd was decent. More importantly, I took a nap right before I was gonna leave to catch a drink at Ollies in Malibu, but ya know.. I thought I could get in a 20-30 minute snooze only to wake up a couple of hours later than scheduled! LOL. So, it was a straight drive to the karaoke show in Santa Monica. The drive was relatively quick. The air was cool, and the traffic was about right. I couldn't even believe it! "What a nice f'n night!" I thought as I walked into the place. A few songs later and along the way I stepped outside to take in some of the air and catch whatever remaining flickers of sunset could be seen off in the horizon.
It was on one of these 'breathers' that a long-haired blond woman walked up to me with her companion pointing out my Minnesota Northstars hat. Like it was a homing beacon or something! LOL. It didn't take long before the normal back and forth exchange took place between us like people seemingly from the same 'country' that ran into each other in a foreign land. It was funny and likely just a touch uncomfortable for her friend. Most people don't get it...they don't see how being from Minnesota is like coming from a foreign country, and when you find someone that has 'escaped' from it, you want to know all the details!! We talked about what high schools we went to respectively, how long we lived in the area, and what we did, and we instantly connected. She was tall. I'd say she was about 5'7-8" and athletic in build. Her eyes were as bright as her straight white teeth, but I couldn't quite make out eye color in the light without staring too intently at her. Then, I heard my name called over the MIC, "Fil Thunder is up next!" I dismissed myself and invited the two in not knowing she had worked there in years past. Funny, we had never seen each other in all those years. I sang my song. She watched out of the corner of her eye from time to time. Eventually, as the night moved on, she walked up to me and let me know she was interested without so many words. I laughed at how close she stood next to me to tell me because I know what was happening from the time she pointed out my Northstars hat--she was making decisions that led to that very moment in time and others later in the evening which brings us to the following question in my Dating, Relationships & The Meaning Of Life Series!!
Last time, I left off at Question #6 in the 'screening a potential' dating partner and maybe a potential mate after the fact. The question is, "Do you enjoy sex?" I'm sure I left a few of you laughing while others mildly uncomfortable, but given the basic premise from which I propose all things that we do in life from the moment we wake up to the time we hit the hay at the end of the day, we as human beings are in the business of facilitating one of our most basic and organic needs--the need to mate or the process of procreating (even if that's not the desired end result). It's true. I'm sure people are already making a list of things that they live for or aspire to live like, and this is a good thing. Make it, and if you're married or single, come back to that list at the end of this short dialog and see if it still makes sense or if it takes on a new light.
Do you enjoy sex? When I have asked this question in the past, I'm usually in front of the person that I'm asking it so I can read their behavior..their non-verbal language that is 85% of communication. Most peoples' knee-jerk response is, "Who doesn't?!" I know right. Who doesn't? Well, unfortunately, lots of people don't actually like sex or enjoy it very much because any number of experiences they had in childhood or their adult life in general ruined it for them. Being in front of that person and asking them that question and then saying nothing afterward is key as you wait and watch for what they are saying or about to say!
What do they do? What do say? How do they say it? Do they laugh? Do they smile? Do they cringe? Do they look away? Do they give you a typical knee-jerk response? What are they doing? You have to wait and not break the silence, if there is a silence, right after delivering (And, yes, the method of delivery is important!) this question because in those few moments of silence is the answer you are seeking! The person may be relieved you asked! They may smile and say ever so quietly, "Yes," while they open up to you and let one of their protective boundary layers down for a moment, and it's in this moment that you have to connect or not and then find yourself in 'no man's land.
Now there are a few things that should happen or be said in this immediate moment in time and the conversation, but somewhere along the way, if they're in front of you, you will have decided if you actually are into that person and visa versa. Sometimes you knowing there is some level of interest prompts you to ask. You will know this because you will find yourself getting physically closer to them. Whatever they say or even what you say could be complete nonsense but make complete sense to the two of you in those moments because you're connecting and what follows is a dance you will not likely forget from that moment forward. The person will put themselves in more open and 'inviting' positions versus 'distance' ones in relation to your physical locality (There is a whole science behind this part of the deal for a different blog). All of these things will take place in auto-pilot, and you need to be aware that the auto-pilot is taking over because this may be one of several indicators that it is on!! That's your job, and it's the most important one to know about you and the situation as it stands. Still with me?!
What is more likely to happen is the opposite! The person may be turned off by the asking of this question and may take offense depending on how you met them. These are the people that likely will not be a good match for you. Because it may imply that there is a whole ritual that they want you to go through in order for them to feel comfortable with you. I get it. And when I come across these types of people, I put them in the LP (Long Play) list. You will have likely noticed this along the way in asking the questions leading up to Question #6, and with enough practice, you will learn to decide if you should bother asking the question or if for some reason your options are limited and you have to do the Long Play dance. But these days, there are so many options available at your fingers tips that the idea that you or that other person is that much more special than someone else is really self-delusional, and again should be compared against the remaining questions after #6, but usually it's over at this point. If this is the case, you've just saved yourself hours of uncertainty, money, and opened yourself up to other potential opportunities. But, let us proceed from the perspective that the two of you are into each other!
Now, the two of you are in front of each other more closely than you may have started or at least in positions that are more 'open' to the other after just having gone over Question #6. Now what?! What is the direction that you follow from this point forward?! You ask a follow-up question to number six! You've spent the time to get through all the other questions hopefully with a few laughs and some growing, shared mutual interest. You're both likely a little 'turned-on' from the auto-pilot kicking in and moving one or both of you closer to the other, and this is important! It's important because in getting closer to the other one of your basic human behaviors is to 'take in' the other person's scent...their pheromones and chemically deciding if you want to go forward into the great known but still unknown territory of mating as it relates to this person. This is also true because in the lead-up to that ever so important behavior question of sex you both have been thinking about it. You've been watching and in some instances, more than others, mimicking the other's behaviors leading to limbic-brain stimulation that leads to a greater release of those ever so important and deciding pheromone factors. So, you ask, or at least you should ask directly (confidence is key) or indirectly how it is for them? Or more directly, "How is sex for you?"
Question #6.1 is a clean and important follow-up question because the person sitting in front of you has a really good idea of how sex is or has been for them, and it could be very different than what you want to participate in. This is run-of-the-mill garden variety sex play, intellectually speaking, and it's either really good, good, or uncertain because of any number of factors. I hear this answer a lot. Everyone thinks their sex is the best sex, and once you get a proverbial "taste" of it, you may be inclined to agree...or not. It could happen!! But, you need to explore this statement a little bit further. What does it mean that it's good? Physiologically speaking, men, or at least the vast majority of them, functioning physically, will achieve orgasm by simply being near or around a woman much more so if they actually get to have sex with them. Like anything else in life, you have to have a good level of confidence when walking into the unknown, and your intellectual but still verbal investigation not only expresses you have a high level of confidence in what you have to offer but it will also be a turn-on to your new dance partner!
However, there are only a few skilled or knowledgeable men out there that know this. We will finish, but we, or at least, I want to know if you will! Are you, the woman, able to achieve orgasm while in the act of sex or things leading up to it or sometime in the proverbial back and forth exploration with proper play!? Notice I didn't bring up the back end of it, being able to achieve orgasm after sex implies you should be able to do so before the guy does...if he's taken the time to understand you. That being said, there are 70% of women or more that have trouble just achieving orgasm and much fewer during sex. This is a scary problem that we will get into in more detail in this coming Friday's California Dreaming update. #GetAdjustedToTheGoodLife
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