Sunday: A Knock At Midnight: The Sermon Conclusion. Updated: 4:50 PM PST

It's Sunday morning, and the sun is out. The sky is clearing up, and I'm at a new Starbuck's getting acclimated to the store. I'm moving this week to a new place, and it may very well be the Starbuck's I come to in the mornings. It's been a while since I started the journey of revamping or contemporizing an old Dr. Martin Luther King sermon titled, "A Knock At Midnight." In it, the Bible passage from which the parable is taken tells the story of a man that has some unexpected guess show up at his door, and he was in need, as was customary in his time, to provide them with some sustenance or bread as it was. And in his 'importunity,' he was forced to go to his neighbor and wake him in the Midnight hour only to be rejected at first; it turned out that it was his persistence at knocking that he got what he needed.

So, let me attempt to bring about the end of that sermon with some comtemporised ideas in it to help bring about an understanding of what was happening in the world then and how we find that not much has change now for the role of the 'church'.

As in the parable, so in our world today, the deep darkness of midnight is interrupted by the sound of a knock. On the door of the church millions of people are knocking. In this country and in many across the world through tele-evangelist like the preacher like Joel Ostein or not so long ago, Billy Graham, the number of church 'presence' members is higher than ever before but in decline. More than a one billion people are at least affiliated with one kind of church or another or synagogue.

This size growth of the church should not be its point of attraction. We should not confuse spiritual power or awareness and large numbers. Just because a church has three Sunday morning services does not mean it is more fulfilling it's mission than the church that is only holding one service. We cannot be judge a churches' Spiritual' in-fillment with the quality or the quantity of the worship team. I have found that being spirit-filled is really a matter of how good the worship service sounded and got people singing and clapping versus people seeking spiritual guidance and personal repentance. Being "spiritual" as many people qualify themselves, is a loosely all-inclusive standard for measuring a persons's consciousness of eternity within any church community or out side of any. These types of 'spiritual' church people are not the same as the ones that evoke positive community effects by being on their hands and knees. An increase in quantity inclusive of 'spiritually aware' people does not automatically bring an increase in quality of people but rather an indicator of its socially relative appeal and sense of "feel-goodism". A larger membership does not necessarily represent a correspondingly increased commitment to have good will to others or even follow Judeo Christian principles. Historically, it has always been the work of a few dedicated peoples that has made the world better.

And although a numerical growth in church membership does not necessarily reflect an increase in ethical commitment, millions of people do feel that the church  or being 'spiritual' provides an answer to the deep confusion that encompasses their lives and the outcome of this year's election. The 'church' is still the one familiar landmark where the weary go to in the Midnight hour. It's the one place of 'solas' which stands where it has always stood, the house to which the man travelling at midnight either comes or refuses to come. Some decide not to come. But the many who come and knock are desperately seeking a little something to help sustain them till the journey or episode of calamity in their life is over.

The traveler in the parable asks for three loaves of bread. Although he may not know it, he wants the bread of faith. In a time of so many upsets and even the disappointment of many in the past election, men and women have lost faith in God, faith in man, and faith in the future. The  blatant disregard for human life infects our police forces around the country. And what is their job, "To Protect & Serve". The last time I checked, many of our uniformed personnel are doing their best to uphold the law, to protect the citizens that gave them the power to govern and police over them, and provide service to those in need. And like in any group of people that have power, there are always a few that fail to appreciate the depth of their responsibility and that they have a responsibility to be humane, and it has lead to violence against people they don't like or to put it differently, 'violence or even indifference to the people they feel are not like them.' It's true, and we know this because the Black Lives Matter movement would not exist otherwise.

There is a deep longing for the bread of hope. Dr. King points out in his original sermon that the early years of our nation, many people did not hunger for this bread largely because they were caught up in progress. They believed that every new scientific achievement lifted man to higher levels of perfection. But as series of tragic developments, the on-going threat of terror, and the revealing of the selfishness and corruption of man only reminded them that "Power tends to corrupt and absolute power corrupts absolutely." This continues to be a real and traggic discovery that has led to various social trends of pessimism. Many concluded then as they are today that life has no meaning especially among our youth. Dr. King was right in reminding us of historic theme played out in our culture. The philosopher Schopenhauer said that life is an endless pain with a painful end, and that life is a tragicomedy played over and over again with only slight changes in costume and scenery. Shakespeare’s Macbeth believed that life is a tale Told by an idiot, full of sound and fury. But even in the inevitable moments when all seems hopeless, men know that without hope they cannot really live, and in the night light they seek the bread of hope.

You don't have to walk very far or flip through too many Instragram or Face Book posts before you come across an old-fashioned notion of the bread of love. Everybody wishes to love and be loved. Anyone who feels that they are not loved feel that they do not count. Much has happened in our millennial time to keep people in touch but not connected. Living in a world which has become oppressively impersonal, many of us have come to feel that we are little more than a Face book friend or a foller of some one else's IG account. Bewildered by the tendency to be reduced to a card in a vast index of 'friends and family, People are desperately seeking the bread of love.

When the man in the parable knocked on his friend’s door and asked for the three loaves of bread, he received the impatient retort, "Do not bother me; the door is now shut, and my children are with me in bed; I cannot get up and give you anything." How often have people experienced a similar disappointment when at midnight they knock on the door of the church. Millions of Africans and other immigrants are patiently, or like the Black Live matter movement-impatiently, knocking on the door of the Christian church where they seek the bread of social justice, have either been altogether ignored or told to wait until later, which almost always means never.

Millions of American people are starving for the want of the bread of freedom, have knocked again and again on the door of so-called "churches", but have usually been greeted by a cold indifference or a blatant hypocrisy. Even the white religious leaders, who have real empathy desire to open the door and provide the bread, are often more cautious than courageous and more prone to follow the expedient to please the 'donating' members than the ethical path of accommodation. One of the shameful tragedies of history is that the very institution which should remove man from the midnight of racial injustice participates in creating and perpetuating the midnight many are trying to escape.

We, in the ever-growing midnight of war,  have knocked on the door of the church to ask for the bread of peace, but the church has often disappointed us. What more pathetically reveals the irrelevancy of the church in present-day world affairs than its witness regarding war? In a world gone mad with terrorism, chauvinistic passions, misogynistic approaches to women, and imperialistic exploitation of the working class, the church has either endorsed these activities or remained appallingly silent!! It's true. During the last war on terror, national churches even functioned as the ready prayer supporters of the state, offering prayers up for our mighty armies in singing, "Praise the Lord and pass the ammunition." A weary world, pleading desperately for peace, has often found the church morally sanctioning war.

And those who have gone to the church to seek the bread of economic justice have been left in the frustrating midnight of economic privation. Such is the fate of every ecclesiastical organization that allies itself with things-as-they-are unable to ride the politic from the pulpit.

The church must be reminded that it is not a the servant of the state, but rather the conscience of the state. It must be the guide and the critic of the state, and never its tool. If the church does not recapture its prophetic purpose, it will become an irrelevant social club without moral or spiritual authority; it will be "Spiritual." If the church does not participate actively in the struggle for peace and for economic and racial justice, it will loose the loyalty of millions in the generations coming of age, and cause men everywhere to say that it has exhausted it's desire to do right. But, if the church will free itself from the status quo, and recover its historic mission and speak fearlessly and insistently in terms of justice and peace, it will ignite the imagination of mankind and reboot the souls of men, reviving them with love for truth, justice, and peace. People all around will know the church as a great fellowship of love that provides light and bread for lonely travellers at midnight.

While speaking of the laxity of the church, I must not overlook the fact that the so-called Negro church has also left men disappointed at midnight. I say so-called Negro church because ideally there can be no Negro or white church. It is to their everlasting shame that white Christians developed a system of racial segregation within the church, and inflicted so many indignities upon its Negro worshipers that they had to organize their own churches.

In the parable we notice that after the man’s initial disappointment, he continued to knock on his friend’s door. Because of his his persistence he finally persuaded his friend to open the door. Many men continue to knock on the door of the church at midnight, even after the church has so bitterly disappointed them, because they know the bread of life is there somewhere. The church today is challenged to proclaim God’s Son, Jesus Christ, to be the hope of men in all of their complex personal and social problems. Many will continue to come in quest of answers to life’s problems. Many young people who knock on the door are perplexed by the uncertainties of life, confused by daily disappointments, and disillusioned by the ambiguities of history.  We must provide them with the fresh bread of hope and infuse them with the conviction that God has the power to bring good out of evil. Some who come are tortured by a nagging guilt resulting from their wandering in the midnight of ethical relativism and their surrender to the doctrine of self-expression. We must lead them to Christ who will offer them the fresh bread of forgiveness. Some who knock are tormented by the fear of death as they move toward the evening of life. We must provide them with the bread of faith in immortality, so that they may realize that this earthly life is merely an embryonic prelude to a new awakening.

Midnight is a confusing hour when it is difficult to be faithful. The most inspiring word that the church must speak is that no midnight long remains. The weary traveller by midnight who asks for bread is really seeking the dawn. Our eternal message of hope is that dawn will come. Our disenfranchised parents realized this. 

Faith in the dawn arises from the faith that God is good and just. When one believes this, he knows that the contradictions of life are neither final nor ultimate. He can walk through the dark night with the radiant conviction that all things work together for good for those that love God. Even the most starless midnight may herald the dawn of some great fulfillment.

MLK and moderately con-temporized by yours truly.

Thursday: A Knock At Midnight..The Social Order...Continued from 10/19/16

It's been a crazy couple of weeks of official "casual" conversations with Minnesota officials, the rain fell in SoCal, my CPA forgot to file an extension for my business taxes that magically led to a penalty, and I had to find CE credits from 2014 audit. Yes, it was a lot of administrative stuff, and trying to remember things and classes from two years ago required going to the gym to de-stress when and as much as possible. Hahaha.


I mentioned the rain because it brought a nice and welcome change to the weather. I know. I know. My people in Minnesota are rolling their eyes at me because it's been non-stop rain and declining temperatures there, but here in SoCal, the rain is nice. The smell of  it. The sensation that it might be "OK" to stay in bed just a little longer came over most people I met with for coffee on those days, which is my second favorite thing to do when it rains. I mean grabbing a hot coffee or chocolate and listening to the rain come down from somewhere warm is a small joy for people like me. It made me think a little more about the passage that MLK went into in his sermon titled 'A Knock At Midnight," and I think I'm going to going into it some more today...at least one of the three components: the social order, the moral order, and the psychological order as Dr. King presented them.

I left off at the Bible passage that Dr. King presents as basis from which the sermon would be built upon.

Luke 11:5-8. It reads:

(NIV)5 Then Jesus said to them, “Suppose you have a friend, and you go to him at midnight and say, ‘Friend, lend me three loaves of bread; 6 a friend of mine on a journey has come to me, and I have no food to offer him.’ 7 And suppose the one inside answers, ‘Don’t bother me. The door is already locked, and my children and I are in bed. I can’t get up and give you anything.’ 8 I tell you, even though he will not get up and give you the bread because of friendship, yet because of your shameless audacity[a] he will surely get up and give you as much as you need.

Dr. King points out that it is midnight in the parable, and it serves as a basis for his thought concerning many contemporary problems of his day and even our own today. It is midnight in the parable; it is also midnight in our world then and now, and the darkness is so thick that we can hardly see where it ends or begins. It's midnight. 

It is midnight within the social order. On the international horizon nations are engaged in a colossal and bitter contest for supremacy. It's nothing new. Russia's President Putin invaded the Ukraine in what the news critics have call a move to re-establish the old Russian empire or resurrect the 'Iron Curtain'.  Syria's President Assad has murdered thousands of his own people in a bloody civil war to which neighboring countries sat  and watched only to do nothing. I guess they hoped someone else would do something. China is literally dumping tons of sand and dirt into the ocean to further expand its 'rightful territory', and North Korea continues to exercise its growing ability to detonate nuclear devises. Why?

It goes back to the vary nature of mankind-a deeply rooted need to feel or be supreme. We as America have fought two wars in the last decade in the name of terrorism and have been involved in two world wars there were fought just one generation ago, and the clouds of another war are in the air. New dictators now have the atomic and nuclear weapons that could within seconds completely destroy any major cities of the world. Yet, the arms race, although promoted as nuclear disarmament, continues and nuclear tests still explode in the atmosphere over the Red Sea with the grim prospect that the very air we breathe will be poisoned by radioactive fallout. It was true in Dr. King's time, and it continues to be true in our time. And the question we have to ask ourselves as we approach another Presidential election only a week away is, "Who do we want to be in the position of power that with only the push of button can bring about our very end?" Who will it be?!

Dr. King pointed out that our science has helped us in the past with coping with midnight in the social order. As was the case then and now, science has saved us. When we were in the midnight of geographic limitation and material inconvenience, science lifted us to the bright morning of globalization and shared material comfort. Cars, medicine, planes, vaccinations, food science, and health science have prolonged our lives even more than we thought possible with people living into their 100s.

 We moved from the crippling ignorance and superstition of not only the church but also our mixed cultures. Science brought us to the daybreak of being free and open minded..kinda. We have virtually irradiated plagues and diseases around the world. It's natural that we turn to science in a day when the problems of the world are so complex and interconnected because we have technology. The technological advancement of man has made great distances but a short airplane ride. We can talk to anyone anywhere in the world from the convenience of our own hand without ever having to physically see them contributing to an ever growing disconnected contentedness.  

As was true in Dr. King's time, it continues to be midnight in man’s external collective, and it is paralleled by midnight in his internal individual life. It's midnight within the psychological order. Everywhere paralyzing anxiety cripple people by day and haunt them in their sleep at night. Deep clouds of depression are part of many people's every day horizon. More people are emotionally disturbed today than at any other time of human history. The psychopathic wards of our hospitals are crowded, and the jails full. The most popular psychologists then and now are the Cognitive therapist. Bestsellers in psychology are books such as How To Be Happy, The Power of Positive Thinking, The Hidden Brain. The popular preachers of the day are on TV and teach us soothing sermons on "How to Be Happy" and "How to Relax," or give us Biblical tips to live by like Joel Olstein. Some have been tempted to revise Jesus’ command to read, "Go ye into all the world, keep your racism to yourself, and, lo, I will make you a well-adjusted citizen of society or the church." All of this is indicative that it is midnight within the inner lives of men and women.

It's also midnight within the moral order. It at  midnight that colors lose their distinctiveness and become various shades of grey. Moral principles have lost their definition. For men and women then and now, absolute right and wrong are a matter of what the majority is doing. Right and wrong are relative to likes and dislikes they get on Instagram or Facebook, and the customs of a particular social group to which they belong. Einstein’s theory of relativity, which properly described the physical universe has been applied to the moral and ethical realm of every day life.

Midnight is the hour when men and women alike are desperately seeking to obey the eleventh commandment, "Thou shalt not get caught." The ethic of midnight hour is to indulge one's self in the cardinal sin of "just getting by." It is all right to misrepresent the truth as long as you do it with a little finesse. It's OK to steal, if one is so dignified that, if caught, the charge becomes fraud and not robbery. It is permissible even to hate as long as one dresses his or her hating is covered in the garments of love that hating appears to be loving. "The Darwinian concept of the survival of the fittest has been substituted by a philosophy of the survival of the slickest." MLK. This mentality has perpetuated the gradual erosion of moral standards, and the midnight of moral degeneration deepens.

To Be Continued........

Saturday: A Knock At Midnight Revisited...

 

It's an early Saturday morning. The days have been progressively getting shorter delaying the break of the morning light till 7:00ish or so. With the delay of light comes the extended darkness. It's dark out earlier at night, and it's staying dark later in the morning. On top of it, the temperature is cooling; it's the sign that Fall is here in California even though the temps in the day time, when the sun is out, have been in the mid 70's and 80's. What does that have to do with anything?! It means more sleepy mornings! Hahaha! That being the case, it is why I decided to take to the keyboard this morning, but it's part of the reason why I should. With more sleep comes more time to dream, and if we're not careful, we could sleep through a period of great change.  A shift in or nation's history is happening and all of the events transpiring in present day is a sign of it. 

More and more, the reports are coming in that this year's presidential election is no longer about economic differences that usually come up as the main theme in candidate platforms.  No, it is something different this year. This year people say the election is about race and necessarily racism, and that's really the underpinning of economic inequalities in America. For a while, some people were trying to promote that we had solved the race problem evident by having a black president. What people seem to no see or acknowledge that although there were enough people that voted for Obama, it was only by a few percentage points over the number of voters that voted for McCain. It was not a 90% vote for Obama--that would've been more an indicator that racism might have been almost worked out of us as a nation. But it was more like a 52/48% vote that really says that every other person said, "No, not that guy." 

It made me think back to my days in the church where everyone one has an equal chance as "salvation" because God, in theory, is an equal opportunity employer, but in actuality, there was and continues to be a class based system even within the church. The missionaries (mostly white people), the pastors (mostly white people but more diversity), everybody else that is saved. Think about that one later. It wasn't too long ago that I was sitting in my two-seater Toyota pick-up truck in my hometown of Minneapolis. As was the case during the early morning hours of this exact season, Fall, I would sit and wait a few minutes for my truck's engine to warm up so that, in turn, I could use the heater and warm myself up from the bitter cold just outside my window. These were the days of my early college years. I worked at 6:00 AM and usually had to leave half past 5:00 AM to get there on-time. It was dark out, and in Minnesota the temps would often get down to freezing. So if your coffee in the morning didn't wake you up enough, the cold air would smacking you in the face certainly did. Hahaha.

In those minutes between warming my truck and driving to work, I listened to MLK sermon's and speeches on cassette tape. Yes. I had an Alpine stereo that played tapes in those days. As was the case, I was taking in one MLK's sermons and tying to understand it for what it meant to me in those days. Of course, I was in a missions training facility, and all of what we learned had something to do with reaching out to the masses but also how we should conduct ourselves with each other as 'God's people.' One of the sermons  I listened to over the course of a few mornings. It was titled, "A Knock At Midnight." It was long as many of Dr. King's sermons were. I guess you can do that when you're the leader of the Civil Right's movement and still have people waiting for the next word to come out of ya even after an hour of preaching. The sermon began with the following passage from the Gospel according to Luke 11:5-8. It reads:

(NIV)

5 Then Jesus said to them, “Suppose you have a friend, and you go to him at midnight and say, ‘Friend, lend me three loaves of bread; 6 a friend of mine on a journey has come to me, and I have no food to offer him.’ 7 And suppose the one inside answers, ‘Don’t bother me. The door is already locked, and my children and I are in bed. I can’t get up and give you anything.’ 8 I tell you, even though he will not get up and give you the bread because of friendship, yet because of your shameless audacity[a] he will surely get up and give you as much as you need.

TO BE CONTINUED.....

Sunday: Thoughts from Lake Wobegon...kinda.

The morning air is cool, and the sun light is just starting to clear up the early morning darkness...the twilight. It's the level of light that begins to bring back the lines and colors that the distant buildings and hill foliage from the night's blurring moon light. It's early...5:43 AM. As is the case as of late, I worked my way out of bed attempting to not move my head too much; my neck was tight and its grip on my head had already began a what will be come a mild headache.

I reach for them with my fingers mildly rubbing my thumb against the other finger tips reviving them for a short task--finding the muscles buried deep in the base of my skull and neck. A mild attempt to coax the muscles into releasing just enough to avoid a headache. I know which ones to get to, and I think I know why they are going ballistic today, but it doesn't matter why more than how do I get to them and get them to let go before the day goes to waste. I know the answer, but I'm just to physically tired from yesterday's activities and my own therapeutic method of anxiety reduction. What's funny is I help people with the same problem, headache, everyday. I guess my own experience of them, headache and migraine, help me understand what people experience, and necessarily, how to 'fix' them.

After a few moments of hitting the right trigger points, I get up and begin to look for my clothes. Trying to go back to sleep was futile at that point. I had an agenda I wasn't sure I'm was going to do anything about, but I want to. I want to everyday that I wake up in my own bed and even other beds, but I don't. I stick to the plan: Eat. Get out the door. Coffee. Start typing. Watch the sunlight come through the window if it's not already up. Relax...hopefully. Tell myself that everything is fine. Gym.

This is all true. It's the ritual I go through some mornings more than others because I apparently suffer from anxiety (self-diagnosed). What should be a normal enjoyment of a good day often leaves me mildly anxious about what's around the corner. That could be the Catholicism ingrained into my psychology having been raised in St. Paul, Minnesota. In St. Paul, most of the population is Irish Catholic and feel that they're constantly in a balancing act between the good things in life and what "God" dictates as necessary cyclical punishment so as to not enjoy life too much because we might forget that there is a hell. Hahahaha. I didn't even hear that on a Prairie Home Companion, but it sounds about right as I think about all the stories of Lake Wobagon.

The coffee is smooth. The sun is cutting into the room, and from where I'm sat, I can see the cars go North and South. I smile. A few people come into the place with the look of wonderment on whether they came into the right place or not. I guess they were looking for something other than coffee at a few minutes to 7:00 AM. I go back to minding my screen. A few of the old men that I sit with from time to time stumble into the place and into their respective seats; they're early. Soo early that their minds hadn't quite turned on but their bodies brought them there on auto-pilot from all the years of doing the same thing. "Morn'n Doc. How ya doing?" Joe asks but looking at one of the two girls in the line. His mind may not be on but his 'young-girl' radar' was. LOL. "Fine. Fine," I say while holding up my cup of Joe to him. "Funny they're both named Joe," I think to myself.

I look through my phone picture gallery. I see a number of pictures from yesterday's events. A small girl and her mom that I've been getting to know. I think of how really blonde she is and her green eyes and wonder how she got those features considering her dark haired mom and lighter browned haired father, but there she was..almost an alien making faces at me. I guess at 6.5 years of age, the run-time on the energy battery has a half-life of 24 hours a day. I see pictures I took of the ocean, a few random selfies, and a misplaced picture of me and a different blonde girl with green eyes, and I stop to focus on it for a moment. I just saw her yesterday. We would've run smack into each other had I not stepped aside to let another couple walk by me at the gym. I smile and keep looking through other pictures of the week wondering which one to put into my blog if I get motivated enough to write one. I should. I'm over-due. I look out the window again to see if I see anyone or thing that will give me a clue on what to do next. I guess it's gym time.
There it is.

Sunday: The Sound Of Silence...Updated 09/14/16 08:31 AM.

Saturdays come and go. Every so often I try and get out and socialize with a crowd or at least be in a crowd versus sitting at home watching a show or movie with my housemate or just alone. Sure there is a girl or two that I could share the time with, but when you're not sure you have a future with any given one, it's better to think in the clear and be alone. This Saturday was a busy day between tax preparation, jeep inspection and cleaning, and gym-time. I've been lacking just a touch in the gym department this week largely due to a muscle strain I gave myself deep in my transverse abdominal muscles. It's an area I've been having subtle but increasing discomfort over the last week. It's either due to a build-up of bowel material or the same deep injury from earlier in the year now more apparent this week. Whichever the case, I had to take down the workout a notch or two this week, and that's OK to do..ya know..self-love.

The movie Kickboxer was on and seeing an old Van Damme movie is usually a good motivator to get out to the gym a second time in one day to test my healing progress. I went. I violently kicked and punched a bag, and eventually, I left...exhausted. I met up with my chic friend and frequent partner in crime for some casual shopping and food. Eventually, we ended up at one of the local dive bars for a drink and burger. I'm not sure how we got to the topic, but the conversation was more or less on the craziness of my former significant-the nurse. Oh, yeah. She still attempts to plague me now and then in drunken stoopers but recently because of back pain. It appears she ultimately wants to be 'friends' after all this time. I mean. I guess, and I guess I'm not interested. Neutral-Yes. Friendly or cordial-sure. Friends as if she didn't manage to do some horrible thing to me when I actually needed her-I pretty sure "No," because it would communicate that she didn't do anything wrong at all. And, that's just not true. I allowed the dialog to open in light of things I've written about people and the possibility that change within a person can come with time, effort, or even circumstance. That being stated, I hope she is a better person, but I'm good with maybe emergency-level need-to-communicate. No more. Maybe less. LOL.

In the middle of it, the jukebox was on and a familiar song began to play. The Sound Of Silence by Disturbed. The pace of this version of the song is slower and a bit darker than I already knew it to be in the original by Simon and Garfunkel. I don't listen to that song and others like it because of the times in my life they bring up and places around the world they bring me back to from my world exploits. As deeper emotions began to surface with their associated memories, I continued to engage in the conversation as best as I could. I was trying to avoid falling into the pit of life regrets and a few quiet victories that had transpired. Most of them alone but not lonely. Being alone in life is as good of an experience as it is to be paired up, but there are some things I'd redo with someone to share the moments with and maybe share a thought or two. I thought of my most recent former in all of it..and how "my words like silent raindrops fell," when it came to finding some neutral ground between us. It had been some number of weeks since our last encounter that was silent but communicative. So, I thought. As I usually say to myself when I realize how much time goes by, and as it likey happens to some people, I find myself saying something casual to her in my thoughts as if she were listening. My mentor says it's my own therapeutic way of dealing with loss. Then, I laugh realizing how stupid it likely is all things considered. Maybe. I believe all things are one, and people that have completed the circle of life, at points, remain connected and only have to focus enough on their person to be heard through space and time. Whether the other person is listening or not is a different story. 

Eventually, I left the pub and stopped by my favorite 7-11 for a few Scratcher tickets. Those things always seem to give me subtle moments of happiness even if I don't win. I figured a few would be good and help improve my ongoing internal struggle that started with the sound of that vocalist's voice. I sat in my Jeep to scratch and see what I won if anything. Although it may be a simple pass-time, I often go and get a ticket or two and people-watch as numbers of people walk in and out out of the place. I did it much more when I had first arrived in the area because I didn't know anybody and hadn't quiete developed the routine I have in place now, and it's good people watching! LOL. Then I leave after I get my fill of both: Scratchers and people watching.

I had a couple of winners, but because I had injured my ankle kicking the shit out of the bag earlier, I sat a bit longer before I went in to cash them out. I was putzing on my phone not paying attention my surroundings, which is a rarity for me...not minding my surrounding, but there I was playing Keno on my phone failing to notice my recent former getting a movie out of the Redbox. I started backing out hoping to go unnoticed, but by the looks of it, she was off in lala land and didn't even notice me. 

Later, as I passed out, the music resumed into my dreams...the sound of silence played. I walked along the cobblestone streets somewhere in Italy or France. I couldn't quiet remember where the scene was from in my past, but it was one I had been to it before in my real life and also in dreams before the events that brought me to them originally. I followed the signs in my life early on never knowing what to expect, but I knew I needed to show up to find out. I was just rounding the corner of one of the buildings when I was awoken by the sounds of Mortal Combat being played at 4:00 AM. I mean, really?! I tried to pass out again, but it didn't happen without a migraine that had started to brew in my dreams. I wondered if the dreams brought on the headache because of their content or if the headache had brought on the dreams, whichever the case, I had to change my day because I was less functional when I needed to wake. 

My normal approach to the day changed because of the headache, and eventually after some coffee and Advil, I made the approach to the gym. The Sound Of Silence played on my music app because I was trying to wear it out of my head and figure out why I was so full of emotion beyond the obvious scenes of war that came with them. Striving to keep pace, I wiped my forehead and eventually my eyes from sweat and the development of emotion in my eyes because I couldn't quite shut off the scenes as the moments passed. Eventually, I switched on some Annie Lennox.

I was clear long enough to switch over to a different cardio machine and start a second round of cardio. I looked up and saw that same familiar frame and hair style walk by. It was her..again. There are a few other gals at my gym that are close to her size, hair color, and even style, and they often catch my attention for a moment or so till I realize their not her, then I just wonder if they're free cause I apparently am attracted to that size of gal. LOL. But, when it is her, in those ever so rare moments, I know it instantly. She either saw me or didn't, but whichever the case, she went on with her business. I kept on with my elevated, fasted pace walk. Eventually I made my way to what I was going to start today for a workout. One of the regular gym gals came to say hello and ask a couple of nutrition questions. As she went on her way, I turned toward the front of the gym to switch my pull-up grip. There in the mirror reflection I saw her looking at me. She only stared at me for a few moments making note of the woman that had stopped to talk to me. She continued her workout for a brief period longer, but she eventually made her way out again acknowledging my presence. I guess the Universe was putting me in her way for whatever the reason, or maybe the opposite. Whichever the case, I decided to drive to the beach and watch the sunset. This is the picture above.
There it is. 

Tuesday: Sunset, Sunrise, And Thoughts On Being In The Moment.

It was just after 7:00 PM when the sun began to set. It was hot and muggy. The sandflies were barely minding their distance because of a few Deep smoke sticks I lit all around my camp zone, but it was enough. It was just enough reprieve from the insects to fall into my thoughts for the day or maybe resume a few thoughts that had crept into my head from earlier that morning when everything was waking. As the sun warmed the small particles of sand stuck to my skin because the humidity was thick and like glue, I could hear the air run in and out of my nose. For a moment I was brought back in time to a place were I sweat buckets while doing essentially the same posses for 90 minutes of active stretching in Bikrum Yoga--I listened to air run in and then out of my nose as I awaited the instructor to signal the next move. In those few moments, I wondered where I was at in life, what I was doing, and if this was it, "Am I where I'm supposed to be?" Then, like now, I wasn't sure because in the background of what has become a normal, routine life a small awareness that I, or at least part of me, was still moving or maybe just wanting to be in motion..still searching for knowledge. 

There is nothing more to struggle against. There is no enemy. There is enough to be had, and I am getting to enjoy the real sensation of enjoying the moment. But, it seems so hard to reprogramme my mind to do because most of my life I had to struggle. I guess I still struggle. We all struggle now and then, but it is different. As I thought about that sense of 'needed motion', I wondered if it was more of a human nature instinct to feel as if we have to maintain some level of perpetual motion in life. The idea that you can stand still but keep up with life is a misnomer. Standing still too long may mean you're actually moving backward. I guess its that sensation that you get after achieving some impossible task in your life. Ya know...that question, "Now what? Now, what should I do?" Maybe nothing. Maybe I should do nothing and just exist in the moment that I help create by showing up and just be in it as long as I can. Just being in the 'here and now' is ok. It's allowed, but there is something in me and maybe other people that doesn't always allow for me to be in it for too long. It could just be childhood fear of living in a hostile living environment where moods and attitudes could change instantly with little or no reason and the potential for physical harm was real. So, those quiet moments between 'events' may just scare me because of bad or negative reinforcement of not being able to enjoy the moment too long... or else. 

That being said, I think succumbing to the moment makes me feel that I've arrived and there is nothing over which to worried. Maybe this is an existential expression of taking control back from the insecurity of those early years and how I win over them now. Perhaps. I should date one of the gals I know that is half normal and a decent human being and live out my days striving to be happy and forget all the things that brought me to this point in life. Maybe I can be happy or am I lying to myself so I can believe I can be happy while trying to suffocate that internal need to keep going because that road has proven to be a lonely one, mostly, with short glimpses of connection enough to have kept me moving along. 

Maybe, it's the Universe, the Creator tugging me toward where I should be getting to in the long life plan, but because I needed to believe again by watching the sunset in all its majesty, that there is still a ways to go. I need to keep on preparing for it...the rest of the days I am to live when I put my hand back onto the proverbial plow. There is some excitement that comes with that thought as much as there is pain; I'm not as young as I used to be. Then again, I'm not as old as I could be either. So whichever it is,  human nature is just acting up again because it's really never satisfied. Or, is it something more that I should pay attention to because minding the same inclinations in the past has saved me from much worse things. I suppose we'll see what the days ahead will bring...confusion or clarity. 
There it is.

Friday: Politics, Race, and 'Normal' Life. Updated: 7/22/16 5:08 PM

Well it's happening! The new presidential election cycle is underway, and the news is becoming more interesting or annoying (depending on what you're listening to) as campaign ads start their sharp descent to negativism. Meanwhile, the country is dealing with an old problem: race relations. The police shootings around the country have taken the spotlight rending all police in a positive light and leaving out the overwhelming number of profiled, unnecessary killing of colored people. This is nothing new and have gone unreported for years until the age of technology started to keep you, the people, aware of what has been happening because of phone cameras. The age of technology has now been keeping 'them' more accountable, and by 'them,' I'm referencing the men and women that are not mentally suitable or even race neutral to wear officer uniforms and use those policing powers to abuse people they just don't like. I'm stating it that way because the other 90% of the officers are doing their job and attempting to protect and serve the public as best they can all things considered.

It is apparent that the nation is in denial that racism still exist and is alive and well. It may not be right there in front of you when you walk into a store because the 'WHITES ONLY' sign isn't hanging out front, but there might as well be one considering how quickly you're profiled and essentially watched. For sure MLK did the planet and our nation justice by bringing up the fact that black people were as important as white people and that our destiny is caught up with their destiny; we have to work together to realize the true greatness of our nation. That's what he said, and it was what he pointed out to the all white establishment of his day, and he eventually died for it because people don't want to give up their power and control.

This is true in any system where there is an authority figure or organization essentially responsible for leading the 'people' into what is supposed to be a 'better' life. I titled the blog a 'normal' life, but what I was implying is a better one because what is normal to some is not a better life to others because of the vast disparities that exist all around us.  The powerful rich don't want to give you any of their power or money, and unfortunately you have to demand it from them or put them in a position where they have to listen. The best example of that was during the Civil Rights movement when all white owned stores were essentially boycotted and the black community was instructed to only buy from black owned stores. The wealthy white began to feel something they hadn't experienced in their time-what it felt like to be oppressed! So they began to soften up as their income dropped. And you better believe that if they hadn't felt the financial impact in their pocket books, they would've just keep on doing their own thing because it, everyone else's poverty, inequality, and lack of hope, didn't affect them.

This continues to be true today, and unfortunately the only thing that has gotten the nation's attention on the race problem that exist in our nation and the disparities that come with it  has been the reverse killing of white officers by some of a few of  its black citizens. Rest assure that the media has essentially demonized those shooters as mentally unstable or suffering from PTSD, but the facts are that both were highly trained former service members that decided they needed to do something outrageous because they likely knew not one of those white police officers was gonna get charged or even tried for the abuse of their police power. I'm not going to get into talking about the thousands of soldiers coming back to AMERICA from fighting wars we shouldn't even be involved in, but they loved our country or at least the idealism it promotes enough to go. I'm also not saying those two individuals were right in their actions because taking the life of another should be avoided at almost any cost. And, certainly killing people because you don't agree with them or like them is wrong morally and ethically. So a new system needs to be created to balance the 'US' versus 'Them' mentality among the policing groups today.

We have to come to grips with the fact that racism didn't go away because the black man got to vote. Racism didn't go away because we got the Civil Rights Bill Passed. Racism did not go away because the "I Have A Dream Speech" was heard, and racism certainly has not gone away because the President of the United States is black. I would even say that just because you have a Mexican gardener and a black neighbor doesn't mean your not racist or that racism doesn't exist or that you are not supporting it consciously or otherwise. No. Racism is alive and well, and if you think it's a thing of the past, you're lying to yourself. We're good at that! We as human beings are good at lying to ourselves and telling ourselves that 'things aren't so bad!' We think things are good because we don't see homeless people around us. We think things are good because people are dying and being massacred in "other" places in the world, but because it's not happening in your back yard, we can careless...things are 'all right'! But, are they?

As I listened to the future Republican party leadership, I couldn't help notice how much fear they're trying to promote with the tragedy happening around us and in the world. As if somehow things are coming undone...if "we" don't do something more terrorism will happen, and "we" have to stop them. Well, that sounds like a former President's talk about terrorism, and it lead to us looking for bombs that didn't exist, trying to 'control' other people we thought were a threat to us, and what did that get our Nation into? Two wars over 15 years of which we see no less terrorist activity, a mountain of debt, and thousands of American lives gone. In fact, there is more terrorism now because of our attempts to control other people elsewhere. What we should do as a nation is protect ourselves here in the HOMELAND and let the rest of the world do what they need to become ready for when 'trouble' dawns upon their door-step.

We as a nation are working on some basic things yet while acting as if we have it all figured out. People need jobs ere in America. People are going hungry here in America. People continue to not get well because health care is out of reach here in America. Is that really American? I say not, but certain leaders want us, the large majority of the nation, to think that the middle class is shrinking because of trade deals gone bad; they want you to think you're not that far from being 'richer' if those manufacturing jobs would come back to the USA, but the reality is that the middle class exist so 'we,' the less fortunate, are not next to 'them' the super wealthy in the class system. Because if you were, you would really see how bad you have it. You're normal or better life would not seem so normal or better when you see what millionaires and billionaires and their families really do for a normal life. That glimpse of the wealthy way of life or normal life by the common man would likely lead to more of the disturbances we see in the world, except it would be happening here in America.

So I think it's time to embark upon a paradigm shift as a nation. We need to begin with acknowledging we're a self-centered nation and our technology has made us more individualized than any other time in history. We know this because the word "Selfie" is now a word in the English vocabulary. We really need to take a closer look at our Middle East allies-The Nation of Israel for a maybe a better state-of-mind when it comes to terrorism and how to deal with it. How do they deal with it. They make all of their citizens get trained as military personal. They keep in mind that every day may be the last time they will see their son, daughter, mother or father because a bomb could go off next to them, and instead of believing that it couldn't happen to them they embrace it making their family more important, more real and the 'selfie' idea more obsolete. Yes the terrorist may have been succeeding in disrupting the AMERICAN paradigm of 'it couldn't happen to us' mentality, but they are also creating something unexpected..a more real sense of Americana....the substance of what it means to be American. The only difference is now more of are taking to arms than ever before because the only real way to snuff out the 'lone wolf' terrorist is to have more 'sheep dogs' ready and waiting, and you better believe we are...waiting...patiently for those that would wrong any innocent people of America or any other place Americans happen to be, and that has to begin with our improving our race relations, our police and community relations, and bend the spectrum of the poorest to the wealthiest so that one can reach out to the other in good will relations and real opportunity sharing.

Monday: Forth of July Special Edition 2016

Happy July 4th, 2016!!! It's an American holiday, and for a number of us, well all of us Americans, it's a 3-Day weekend. All around the world there is chaos, bombings, starvation, and other catastrophes, and our hearts are broken, but for the few days leading to today we are going to take a day to rest from keeping the world in order and celebrate!

It's been since the last American holiday that I took to the keyboard to write, and as the weeks passed, I thought I should share a few thoughts about the world and the lives we live as Americans, but I wasn't sure I was gonna be able to write because of my original plans to be in the HOMELAND. So, without any further ado, here is the Forth of July Special Edition of Rants From A Midwest Guy In The Land Of Milk & Honey!

Yes, it's an American holiday. It's a day when we as Americans take a moment to do what makes us great--grill, gather with friends, eat, go to the lake or beach, camp, and any number of things people do to celebrate having a day off from work and being FREE to do what we want without having to worry that our beliefs may get us killed. Yes. In some places in the world, thinking out loud will get you killed. Living different kinds of life-style will also get you killed....no to mention believing in a different God than some religions. Same effect-DEAD!!!

But not in America.."Merica!" We live under a banner that says you can believe, live, and find
happiness, whatever that means to you, any way you want as long as it does not take away from other peoples' ability to enjoy the same freedom. It's a bit ironic now and days considering all the shootings, the bombing, and the outright terrorists attacks here domestically and all around the world. And we have to ask ourselves some important questions. Do we want to be a nation that is accommodating of everyone at the risk of having a few of those people hate us and attempt to kill us because their belief system is different than ours? It's a hard question to answer because in one instance we should say, "Yes." Yes, we want to be a nation that allows our own people to do what, think like they want, and ultimately do what they want with that underlying understanding that you can do it as long as it doesn't take away from others. So without getting into politics, I say we have to embrace all things and be ready to take those that want to take it too far without becoming a police state.

The first picture above is from one of the Malibu beaches called Paradise Cove. It's pretty much a Cancun beach set-up where you can rent a bed on the beach, get food and beverage service, and walk around point Dume and see the seals or whales. It's not cheap to do the resort thing, but you can park on PCH and walk onto the beach. Considering the holiday weekend, it was a full day and the tide was coming back in. So, the picture was just after I got hit by a wave trying to pull an old sea kayak that washed up around the beach. The undertow was to strong to actually get it turned around, and before I could look up on my last attempt, a couple of French girls and me got hit by a fast wave; totally drenched my shorts! Hahaha. But, the wet shorts did help my look in that photo.

It's been a good 4th of July holiday thus far. I've relaxed, cleaned my jeep, cooked, and now I'm waiting to go watch the fireworks at 9:00 with my housemate a few other peeps. It will be the second time that I get to, and I'm excited for it. I'm kinda more excited that I can do do some karaoke after the fact and see who shows up. After all, it's a holiday, and most people are gonna be getting back to work tomorrow, but not all of us.

For those of you that are not in my Facebook feed, I posted an Instragram picture of my Jeep because 18 years ago this last week I bought it!! Yes!. It had five miles on him, and when I signed the purchase agreement, I hadn't even take it out on a test drive or any other one like it. It's true. I checked the odometer yesterday, and it read: 272421. I mean that's almost half of my life that I spend with that Jeep. It carried me to and from California a number of times. It was with me through most of my significant relationships. I had it when I found out I had cancer and necessarily needed it when I wasn't sure when or where I might live after I survived that surgery. It's the vehicle I drive now to and from Malibu. It has been the one thing that I've had almost the longest of any other possessions of mine less my signet ring (20 years). I can't imagine how my life would've turned out without him, and I'm happy it still runs as good as it does after all this time. Jeep. It runs deep! Hahaha.

I hope you all have a great day. Maybe I'll consider putting another edition come August when I do actually get to make it back to the HOMELAND to hit the Minnesota State Fair!! Yes. Till then, "Be well. Do good work, and come on back!" G. Keiller.

SPECIAL EDITION: Memorial Day Weekend & One Year Later. Updated: 6/14/16 01:41 PM

 It's Sunday on a lovely Memorial Day Weekend. Yes! The weather is cool. There is a mist hanging over the mountains in the distance, and there's a light buzz in the people that are out and about. A Prairie Home Companion is playing in the background, and I just saw it's lightly raining in the Homeland. It's a holiday weekend in America, and people are doing the things they do to celebrate! Usually I'm flying to or from the Homeland on the holiday itself to take in a couple of days of camping on the river in and remember that I'm a Minnesota man! Hahahaha. Last year, I was pulling up a kitchen floor for my Finnish friend's new home purchase that needed some remodeling. The holiday came a week early then, and I waited to do anything for a couple of important reasons: One was that my former significant other was in town, and I wasn't sure we were gonna meet up and talk. Second, I was getting ready to drive West; it was something I kept very quiet cause I still wasn't sure it was gonna happen! I mean I wasn't sure I was going to do it-make the drive. It's true! As you know, I did, and lot's of things happened in this last year since, and today I'm going to share a short recap of the most memorable things and events that happened along the way. The voyage ended at Zuma Beach in Malibu, California. This is the picture to the left. Others will be included along the way and then at the end. So, without any further ado, it's time for another weekly edition (except last week for one important reason) of Rants From A Midwest Guy In The Land Of Milk And Honey on a Memorial Day weekend.



Memorial Day weekend is the first of three major Summer holidays. It's the weekend when we go up  North and clear the brush from the cabin home, put the boat into the water, and fire up the pits. It's the weekend we hope all of the hard work we've been putting in at the gym will finally pay off because it's usually 'run around the lakes' time by now, and hopefully we can show off a little bit. Families come in from all around and usually end up staying somewhere in your home..the couch, the air mattress, the drive way in their RV, and sometimes your bed if you're not careful. It can be tight quarters for a few days with the family and friends, but it's worth it! Traditions that we start young or keep up with stay with us, and this is what we call Americana or "Merica".

In all of the family fun, there is another group of people out around the world and all around us doing their part to keep America safe. Quietly, we take a moment to remember the fallen and those still out 'fighting the good fight' as we say. If you're able, reach out to the ones you can here and all around the world and let them know they are remembered! A few of my friends are still out there somewhere in deep, far, and usually unreachable doing what they do. It's for them that I smile and say as if they were reading, "I'm thinking good things for you. I'm having a cup of Starbucks coffee that you would normally get. I hope you're well, and I hope to see you soon." We, or the USA, are the sign of stability and impending freedom all around the world. There are some people that don't see it that way and feel we are a hedonistic minded people that are out to control other peoples' agenda if they don't align with our own objectives. Unfortunately they are the ones we have to rise up to and hopefully foster some level of understand....one way or another. So, take a moment and reach out to a service member and let them know you care or a moment of silence for those that have gone ahead of you into eternity.

One year later...........
It seems that time flies when you're having fun...or you've been stuck on the freeway way longer than you should be! I'm still coming to grips with the fact that it's been a year yesterday that I drove my Jeep across country for a contract job that I wasn't sure was gonna deliver (Later, it turned out not too.) all the things that it said it would. It was a corporation that was still developing its way of doing business as a chiropractic chain where you could get 'adjusted' for relatively cheap. It only took three months of driving all around three different counties to realize that their interest was elsewhere and not in compensating me for things that it said it would apart from salary. In the remaining months that followed, I began scouting out private practice offices as I had before I drove out--this is what I was doing before I met my former significant, K.C., and after she moved to California. It was because of my job hunting that we ended up dating in the months that followed her move in 2014.

After some 'free' work for one of the docs and hefty day fees to a couple of others, it came down to one of two offices because of location and growth potential. At this point, I was only taking a serious look at places that had a retirement earning cash flow potential and not just a temporary fix to an employment problem. Otherwise, I would've just stuck it out with the corporation and rearranged my life again to make it more lucrative, but I didn't have to because I got the call from the Malibu doc. It turned out that he had gone through a few dozen other applicants before he and his wife and business manager felt that I was likely the best person to put into their office. It turned out my experience with the masses but also my knowledge in Personal Injury care were what got me the job; I guess I can adjust pretty 'O.K' too! LOL. I laughed when I found that out because all of that part of my life happened by being in the right place at the right time. Sure I'm a good adjuster, and I would've have been as good at it had neither of those two rolls come into my reality, but it's where all of the signs lead me, and I was responsible to at least show up and see what might come of it. Now I work and grow professionally in Malibu. I live in community that's not all that different from Edina, Minnesota where my other office is located making it just a little more familiar after a year of flying to it and from it to 'have a better life" as it was last year.


The other reason I decided it was important to be open to whatever the Creator was doing in my life and all the signs that it was likely time to change for the better or at least different, was my former significant. It's true. She asked me this the other day, and I was happy to tell her that she was part of that reason even though things turned out the way they did between us. It means a lot to me to be able to deliver to people the things that I say or had been saying I was gonna do, and not just be a 'big' talker. Still true. Behind my original intention of moving back to California after surviving cancer, a financial meltdown, and essentially defeat, was the hope that I could do better in my own life but also in hers in whatever way that was gonna happen. Somewhere in the back and forth to California for office scouting we dated, we began to like the other enough that it was interrupting both of our abilities to date other people. It wasn't until August, six months after her move to California, that we agreed to be something more than casual. Out of that decision came the rest of our relationship and story, and that ended just before I moved out. The rest of the time after that was different than I had expected, but the more I read the signs and did my part to at least show up and be available for what might happen, they did. New friends. A great position in an unbelievable location...all of it.

My former and I haven't spoken much or even seen each other more than passing till the other day when she walked into the Starbucks I've sat at nearly everyday since my arrival one year ago. She had only walked into the place a couple of other times, but it was only this occasion that she wanted to talk with me. I couldn't even believe it was happening because I had anticipated it in the first half of the year that I had been in the place, but she never walked in. She said she hadn't because she knew I was there and she couldn't really talk to me because of things happening insider her. This time she did. As you might expect after not really having spoken to a person you had a really serious relationship with, were going to have a family with, and eventually share a life and then they just stopped talking to you one fine day, you're gonna be a little nervous! Hahahaha. I could see it in her approach to me and in her voice as she spoke. I politely pointed out that it was awkward after such a long time and that the feelings of uncertainty would get better with a little practice (as in talking more regularly). She agreed. And, this is where it got interesting!!

Our morning talk at Starbucks happened on a Tuesday. The night before, Monday, I emailed her a long letter essentially discussing the fact that it had been a year and that her reactions to me, as little as they happened, were or seemed to come across as negative or not a neutral experience for her and then us because of her. The letter recapped the year and invited her to potentially consider changing her mental interpretation of things between us or her approach to me, what she believed I was doing in general, and hopefully achieve a neutral experience from that day forward. It was a positive to neutral letter with a few comical points, a couple of factual insertions, and opening the door or at least point out that I hadn't been able to close it so she could use it and maybe improve our strained relations. I started working on that letter the week before after seeing her in passing and then waking up to real points of emotional pain and some serious dreams with her in them. I didn't miss her in that way and have had a full life for some number of months, but something in my person felt it was the appropriate thing to do. So I began to write the letter. It's why I didn't post a Rant last week..because I was busy typing out that letter. The final draft only came after a dozen or so changes, and I wasn't even sure I was going to send it, but I did, and it was the night before she walked into Starbucks that Tuesday morning. Hahahaha.

As she spoke to me on various things, I made reference to her points as having been touched on in the email. It wasn't till about 15 minutes into talking that I asked her if she had read the email. Her immediate response was, "NO. What email? When did you send that?" It was then that I realized I was doing exactly what I was supposed in that very moment in time. I needed to be there for that part of both of our lives. I informed her of when, and why, and then to what address the email was sent, but she hadn't received it. Hmmm....and wonderment that followed in my person grew. I began to laugh explaining to her that the reason I thought she walked into Starbucks that morning was because she got my email the night before and maybe agreed in part to what it said.

We or rather she made her request of me. I informed her of my thoughts on them. "It's been a year of 'silence' from you. Why do you feel you can come into a place that is part of my daily life routine, and ask me to do something else?" She became more agreeable, and we talked through her reasons only to have her acknowledge her thoughts might be a little much considering her position in my life. Thirty minutes had passed since she walked up to me, and it was time to go. I asked her if I could walk out with her only to get a half-ass response, but she waited for me in her haste to leave. LOL. Then we stood outside for a moment longer and spoke in brief, and she went to her car, and I walked back into Starbuck's to catch up with one of the gals. It was one of those "Universe" directing your life kind of experiences for sure, and considering how things had gone in the past, I think that interaction was at least positive overall. I'll include the email letter I sent her at the bottom of this blog so you can see what it was that I wrote, and why it was needed.

So, one year later. Life is changing. You and me are changing. There's a constant process of change happening to all of us and everything around us. Some of it is the normal progress of time on our bodies and in our minds. The rest of it is the constant presented opportunity to stay the same or change. We have to take a moment and be honest with ourselves and ask if we're going the direction we want to be headed in? Is this it? Do I have peace? Am I content (The feeling of being happy comes and goes.)? The year has seemingly gone by at different speeds...fast, slow, not moving, 'reverse,' and too fast to remember at points, but in it all we're moving forward as my former would often say. Take a moment to take in the air, the sunlight, the perfume of your special person and strive to make it a good memory because you never know when change will come.

I guess this is where I tell you that I may not be keeping up the weekly Rant after today. Ninety-two editions that started the week leading up to my departure from the Homeland doing exactly what I'm talking about-capturing the moment because I wasn't sure I would be making it back. It had a purpose when I started it last year. At first and in the daily editions, it was the part of my day that was the basis for my 'normal' routine in an unfamiliar ever changing environment..not to mention the internal unrest I was experiencing. As my life settled, I wrote about the weekends and then the week as separate pieces of work for the week. Finally, I dropped down to writing once a week about the whole week because everything had normalized for me internally and in my real life. When I look back at some of the editions, I guess I was trying to create a window for some of you to look into and see what was going on in my life, my thoughts, actual events, and keep myself accountable to someone somewhere, but the need...the one that drove me out of bed all those editions had finally passed out from me. I think it was happening when I wrote that email because it was time to say something to someone I used to know. "There is a season for all things under the sun." So you may see an edition pop up here and there. Who knows? Maybe it'll hit me next week that I should keep up writing. We never know, so like I usually say, "I better show up and see what happens." Till then, "Be well. Do good work, and come on back." G. Keiller.

Thank you for all of your patience, your readership, and whatever time you took to keep up with moments of my life. I hope it was worth something to you. FST

The E-Mail:
From: "Fil Troy" <drfiltroy@gmail.com>
Date: May 23, 2016 7:24 PM
Subject: Gym time, A Year Later & The Present

Hi Kxxxxx,

How's it going?!? How's the life, the job, etc.?! It looks like you've been working hard on your fitness-your arms are chiseled!! And, yup! I noticed you got your nose done--nice...and your hair is long! I'm sure you hear it all the time, but you really look great!!  That's mostly small talk I usually have with other people I see regularly everywhere. That kind of casual talk could be happening between us, and 'I wasn't' trying to further the distance that was created 'by you' with my last email to you. Yeah, yeah, I know...the past. Right!? If it's in the past, why is it still so very real and strong for you and then me even in this last week!? Have you asked yourself this? Do you wonder why your reaction to me is still that strong?!? (If your initial thought has anything to do with blackmail or related topics you misjudged me then and likely still now.) Maybe you do wonder. Maybe not. I've been thinking about our encounters as of late because it'll be a year this week that I've been here and we essentially stopped relating. 

Maybe you're not angry, and you've gotten over those thoughts and emotions, and are as happy as a clam, but it has not seemed like it in the last number of instances we've seen each other especially on your birthday, and hence that strong email. My friends and the gal I date feel I should clarify a few things in it.

#1. The email stated that you needed to stop harassing me when you see me at the gym or otherwise: this was really just addressing the way you walked up to me yelling for no provoked reasons other than what you thought I was or have been doing there(the gym) all this time when really I was there just doing some rehab training with one of my clients (that night). 
 ==>The email should've also said, I am open to you, in a limited kind of way, like normal chit-chat people do when they see people they see regularly. I know an adjusting period may have to happen considering it all, but I'm willing only because you and me both train pretty hard and regularly! Hahahaha. If we were honest with ourselves, we notice the others' progress even if we try and play the "Try not and notice the other" game when it happens. It's a shame we didn't share this important part of our lives(then and now)--working out and other related activities or other social events like UFC Fight Nights. I think you know that not all people understand us fitness minded types because most peoples' 'socializing' include things we usually leave out (drinking, partying, etc.). Honestly, I'm surprise we haven't run into each other more because my schedule doesn't change much. When you've seen me at the gym, it's when you've gone at a different time or stayed later than I guess you normally might. Not that it should matter when either of us train, but it seems to matter to you. My trainer friends and other friends say it's soo damn busy at the 5:00 O'clock rush, and I believe it. It's why I go at 7:00 PM or before 5:00 PM most days (Cause I only work 4 days.) So we're gonna see each other from time to time... can we leave the gym a stress-free zone?? Cause dealing with 'people' all day, as you know,  warrants a stress reducer called GYM!

#2. I also wrote, "I am genuinely OK not seeing you." ==>The email should've also said that I'm also OK seeing you also.

#3. I wrote, "You must know this to be true in your inner most person, but whatever your reasons, your experience has not changed to being more neutral towards me." I was making reference to two different things: 
==>One was that I don't seek you out or plan to run into you, and this is why I'm surprised when it happens (about every 3-4 wks or so). 
==>The other thing is your experience as it relates to seeing me randomly. You must know deep in your person that it can be better, but you are either consciously choosing to keep it less than pleasant for you so you don't have to deal with whatever it is, or it's an unconscious issue...and ultimately it makes everyone else you and me know uncomfortable about the other for no reason. That aside, the times I've noticed the stuff I'm talking about have been recent......

One of the instances was Easter morning at Starbuck's. You were with that gent, laughing, smiling, and seemingly into him and very physically close (--not the Asian guy from the gym that seems to be there when you're there).  I was happy for you because that's (also) how I try and remember you-happy. I was sitting with a gal (Midwest girl-much more real and down to earth..you'd be surprised what's out there.) train with. She said I looked like I had seen a lost friend, and she was right--that sweet, sensitive, funny, and happy gal I used to know was there... just with someone else. I was happy for you until we saw you go from happy and affectionate with that gentleman to uneasy, seemingly uncertain, and then distant to him. As you walked out, your overall demeanor had changed and you even put on your sunglasses on in the store. I wasn't sure what to think about that, but it was noticed by us both.

You reacted more or less the same other times too...less the yelling at me part-- you'd see me and your reaction or non-reaction was,"don't look, try not to notice, be cold, uncertain, sad/maybe angry, etc. etc." Or like the other day I had just got back from my office in Malibu and on my way to the gym, you saw my jeep, switched lanes to not see me and then put your hand up to not be scene either. Why? Did it help?! Whatever the case, your demeanor or attitude towards me has not improved or not much at least. So, the present.....

All anyone has is present moment, Kxxxxxx, or now as it is. Time keeps ticking away and no one knows when it's (gonna be) over.  I mean, Prince just died, and it was a complete shock and unexpected. I still hear his Purple Rain guitar riff playing in the recesses of my mind more than not since it happened, and he is right, " it's such a shame our friendship had to end.... times are changing; it's time we all reach out for the new, and that means you too." Maybe your experience and indirectly mine can improve this year! I'm not saying we're gonna be friends or anything, but somewhere better than what's been happening would be more healthy. Do you (not) agree??

Now it's one year later.  I'm not sure you remember I knew Thousand Oaks from my grad school days and the years leading up to my original return to Minnesota in 2013. But, I think I can honestly say after all of it that things happen for a reason ( http://filsebastiantroy.blogspot.com/2016/04/friday-april-fools-day-everything.html ). There is something in all of us that we either pay attention to or we ignore, but that thing, whatever it is, is in us driving our every foot-step, our every thought (or just hovers in the background of our mind making us 'think' about things), and it's quietly dictating how much of our current life experience is 'good'. In some of us that guiding force is sometimes past undealt with pains we experienced; sometimes it's the Almighty tugging us along; sometimes it's both past pains or current ones being used by the Almighty to help us get to the next part of where we're supposed to be. We strive to be happy with things as they are in life as long as we get a chance to breath, be 'ourselves', have some fun, and enjoy a meaningful relationship with someone, we're fine. Right?! But in all of that, that restless part of our being, is in us..challenging our full enjoyment of the life we live.

Maybe you know this feeling. Something motivated you to go back to school to get the degree you got for business admin that ultimately lead you to where you are now. And then it was like you said, "I made $30K more almost instantly." That's what can happen when we follow that drive -- it changes your life in ways you never see coming-- financially, socially, the way we have relationships, how we see the world, and eventually it made you (or anyone) 'restless' and you found reasons to start looking for more or different (than what you knew). This is the part of your story I know, in part, because I was in it with you the day you walked into Starbucks on Hennepin January 30. I was doing the same thing....looking for a job in California so I could get back to the life I felt was going to give me more opportunities in everything: And, then you, and then us. You were that bridge between the life I knew in Minneapolis and the one I was creating here as much as I was likely your bridge during your transition (here). People change. You're changing, and I'm changing. If we're not, then we should allow for not only ourselves but others to try to improve because that's really living (life) with all of it's ups and downs and not just existing.

  

I've changed this email more than once this week, and I think all the important stuff is left. If not, hopefully we can yap about it if we get to talking. If not, it's all good. I hope you're as well as you look and have found some happiness and peace in things if not the regularity of routine and the ever so likeness of Mn weather lately. Let's hope for better when you see me this day forward.
It could happen.
Take care Kxxxxx,                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                         Fil

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