Tuesday: Sunset, Sunrise, And Thoughts On Being In The Moment.

It was just after 7:00 PM when the sun began to set. It was hot and muggy. The sandflies were barely minding their distance because of a few Deep smoke sticks I lit all around my camp zone, but it was enough. It was just enough reprieve from the insects to fall into my thoughts for the day or maybe resume a few thoughts that had crept into my head from earlier that morning when everything was waking. As the sun warmed the small particles of sand stuck to my skin because the humidity was thick and like glue, I could hear the air run in and out of my nose. For a moment I was brought back in time to a place were I sweat buckets while doing essentially the same posses for 90 minutes of active stretching in Bikrum Yoga--I listened to air run in and then out of my nose as I awaited the instructor to signal the next move. In those few moments, I wondered where I was at in life, what I was doing, and if this was it, "Am I where I'm supposed to be?" Then, like now, I wasn't sure because in the background of what has become a normal, routine life a small awareness that I, or at least part of me, was still moving or maybe just wanting to be in motion..still searching for knowledge. 

There is nothing more to struggle against. There is no enemy. There is enough to be had, and I am getting to enjoy the real sensation of enjoying the moment. But, it seems so hard to reprogramme my mind to do because most of my life I had to struggle. I guess I still struggle. We all struggle now and then, but it is different. As I thought about that sense of 'needed motion', I wondered if it was more of a human nature instinct to feel as if we have to maintain some level of perpetual motion in life. The idea that you can stand still but keep up with life is a misnomer. Standing still too long may mean you're actually moving backward. I guess its that sensation that you get after achieving some impossible task in your life. Ya know...that question, "Now what? Now, what should I do?" Maybe nothing. Maybe I should do nothing and just exist in the moment that I help create by showing up and just be in it as long as I can. Just being in the 'here and now' is ok. It's allowed, but there is something in me and maybe other people that doesn't always allow for me to be in it for too long. It could just be childhood fear of living in a hostile living environment where moods and attitudes could change instantly with little or no reason and the potential for physical harm was real. So, those quiet moments between 'events' may just scare me because of bad or negative reinforcement of not being able to enjoy the moment too long... or else. 

That being said, I think succumbing to the moment makes me feel that I've arrived and there is nothing over which to worried. Maybe this is an existential expression of taking control back from the insecurity of those early years and how I win over them now. Perhaps. I should date one of the gals I know that is half normal and a decent human being and live out my days striving to be happy and forget all the things that brought me to this point in life. Maybe I can be happy or am I lying to myself so I can believe I can be happy while trying to suffocate that internal need to keep going because that road has proven to be a lonely one, mostly, with short glimpses of connection enough to have kept me moving along. 

Maybe, it's the Universe, the Creator tugging me toward where I should be getting to in the long life plan, but because I needed to believe again by watching the sunset in all its majesty, that there is still a ways to go. I need to keep on preparing for it...the rest of the days I am to live when I put my hand back onto the proverbial plow. There is some excitement that comes with that thought as much as there is pain; I'm not as young as I used to be. Then again, I'm not as old as I could be either. So whichever it is,  human nature is just acting up again because it's really never satisfied. Or, is it something more that I should pay attention to because minding the same inclinations in the past has saved me from much worse things. I suppose we'll see what the days ahead will bring...confusion or clarity. 
There it is.