Friday! Friday! Weekly Review: Cancellation Notices, #Whatsmissinginthispicture? Updated 10/31/15 10:05 AM PST

It's Friday! Friday! Friday! T.G.I.F.! LOL. It's another weekly review of a rant from a Midwest guy in the land of milk and honey! This week is a special week because it's been the lead up to Halloween!! Yep. I've devised what I think will be the best costume ever even if it's not an original. I will show you pictures after I get it put together and on for tomorrow night's Halloween bash somewhere fun, full of people, and hopefully with good dance music!

Today started out pretty much like most of my Friday's with me sticking my feet out into the room's cool air to wake up. It lasted about 30 seconds before I shot out of bed with some high level of urgency because yesterday I got a short note from KC. It was because she got a cancellation notice from my Google Calendar notifier that essentially read: End of Ninth Month of Pregnancy. Location: Baby Out of 'KC' Belly.  As you might expect, that didn't go over so well with her. I had created 'Event's' for us when we were family planning and activities we talked about doing so we both had reminders for our new apartment move-in date, trimesters, baby classes, etc, and the last one for this week.

I finally had the emotional strength to start deleting those this last week. It was hard to do, but in doing so, I had no idea that KC was getting email "Cancellation" notices for everything that had just happened or hadn't including the above. 

I felt horrible realizing how she likely felt getting them especially after I had just sent her such a nice set

of flowers, again, as a good will gesture. I was deleting them so that what happened didn't happened in the first place. I apologize for the cancellation notices she got making it clear they were not sent intentionally. So, that was the level of urgency that got me out of my bed today cause I thought that maybe she might've listened to my explanation a bit more in person or maybe just talk, but that didn't happen. :( I waited for her to maybe show up at Starbucks as I have in times past, but I think she needed some time to let out a little steam.. I get it. The email I sent her along with a follow up all of the other since I've been in California I will publish at some point because I think it's important for people to know what I've been saying, and what she hasn't said in response. It is what it is.

In my email to KC, I brought up the Brenne Brown book titled "Daring Greatly" that deals with the subject of being vulnerable so that you might be able to enjoy life more and not be so protected from it. I brought it up because as I've read the book it had began to change my perception of KC, myself, and our relationship. I had actually started the book back in February but didn't get far into it, but I knew it was something that maybe she could find some insight into a few of the things she mentioned she struggled with in her person. 

The same email, as in other past ones (there are only 4 other emails I've sent), I reaffirm that I don't have any hate for her, "Not even close....none..Not even a little bit. Not at all," because of everything. I did inform her that she didn't keep her end of a deal we had made together back in May (Published in the book and blog presently), and that it was the only thing that had brought meaning to any of the things that have happened since April 1st. It is because she didn't keep her end of the deal at the last minute that the blog story was re-posted, I included a number of topics not covered in the original in detail now in the upcoming published book version, and that she had had a deciding factor in it's publishing or not.

In the end, I mentioned her overall reaction to us, my arrival, and everything has been less than polite. I mentioned the weather and how I wished I could share some of it with her even as a silent figure in her life because you know the social collateral she created won't stand for us being together or talking, but what the hell do they know?! What do they really care? As soon as the 'drama' is over, people go right back to their life hoping you get it right this time...cause they only really understand someone having issues a couple of times; then after that, something is wrong with you, and then they say, "That's just the way so and so is," and they move on. I called her to confirm she got the email, and reiterated a few of the same things and laughed mildly at the fact one of her favorite days was coming up in November. I let her know she's welcome to find me because she knows exactly where to if she ever needed. "Cause you're still family to me hotdog." Hahahaha.

It is the best kind of weather because of the time of year. I mentioned a few other things that I thought were more small talk and basic conversational stuff, and whether it was clear or not, that she knew the reason some of my time here has felt empty... #Whatsmissinginthispicture ! I mentioned that I foolishly sit at Starbucks now and then hoping she might walk in like she did in days past, sit and join me for a coffee, and start anew talk with me, and then leave in a hurry to get to work. I know it could happen when the time is right, and stupid tech-unsavvy moves like cancellation notices don't put a wrench in the works, it will. I say this knowing I'm open to talking and being on better social terms with her but not likely the relational option.  In the end, I reminded her that she is still family to me even if she chooses not to participate, and that she should know how I feel, but it's about forgiveness even if she doesn't love me.  

The rest of the week leading up to yesterday and today was pretty basic. I went back and forth with my publisher on topics. I managed to get all of my pictures approved for use, and the cover picture is one everyone has seen with a different filter for the book. Brilliant. I often reflect on what is missing in my picture without reflecting on what the picture has in it. I have a dog. I live in a house. I drive by the ocean every few days a week on my way to work. I have a job that I'm pretty close to being the top doc in the company nation-wide. I get to sing karaoke with some of the best singers in the country. I work in Malibu some days, and I have my health, a few good friends, and enough of what I need. I have enough... and how much more glorious it would be to have KC in more of it, but it's been good without her too but not the same as I dreamed it. I guess when the time comes you will see my love for you will still be strong after The Boys Of Summer have gone.