Friday: A Not-So-White Christmas..Updated: 12/27 @ 9:47 AM

It's CHRISTMAS DAY, and due to something just short of a miracle, I made it back to the Homeland!! It's not only one of the most celebrated holidays of the year, it's on a Friday the most anticipated day of the week. That means it's time for another week review of Rants from a Midwest guy in the land of milk and honey. I'm in the Homeland, aka Minneapolis, remembering the important people-family, friends, and a fish called Wanda (J/K). Perched at one of my favorite places in Uptown watching people walk by and greeting a few that I know, I'm wondering what the rest of my weekend will go. LOL

Like most of my trips to the Homeland, either returning (like when I lived there) or visiting (Cause I'm in California now), the drive to the airport's parking lot was good. What was not good was when I was ready to pull up to my favorite gate, it was blocked of with signs that read, "LOT FULL!" As you might imagine, a small shot of terror went through my being mostly because I didn't think Parking Lot C would ever fill up! Fortunately for me, I had driven down a good 45 minutes earlier anticipating lines at the TSA gate. I pulled over, and parked so I could compose myself a little and think it through. "Do I Google, call or what?!" I wasn't sure. My original plan of parking at the Flyaway Station in Van Nuys was out because it too had filled up the day before. Fortunately, I had called ahead and didn't make the long drive out for nothing. I remember a certain someone telling me she had got there last year and had to find parking somewhere else because of its early closure. Finally, I found a lot with a few spots left; it's gonna cost me 2x as much overall, but, I got there and was gonna make it to my flight on-time.

When I finally got there, there was no traffic....anywhere! There weren't even people lined up at the security check point! LOL. I guess this was a good thing because I needed less stress to start my trip out with than what had just happened and an awkward situation from earlier in the week.

It was good week on the whole. I began what will likely be my normal number of days in Malibu. I saw the wall plaque that my name will go on that will show on the front door announcing it. Although it was an Italian deal that got the ball rolling a month ago, it just got real when one of the patients informed me that she had 'heard' from the office manager I was assuming one of the other doc's time and people. As I sat in a near by courtyard (pictured above), I just sat in disbelief about how it all came about....how I needed to be there to make the first impression...how I was there in the first place because of a lost friend and family member, and how driving all over the 'Timbuk2' of LA's dissatisfaction would lead me to submit a resume one day that was magically picked out of the 30+ resumes submitted for it. All the dots lined up again in my head as they do from time to time when I sit and just listen to what the Creator is saying to me and what the Universe is or has brought to me as 'signs' or attention getting events.

It didn't come for free, and it sure wasn't a pain-free experience, but nothing good can happen to you if you don't show up. If you don't put one foot in front of the other, you can't move forward. You cannot leave where you are by standing still even if standing still is needed periodically. "How did you end up on Dr. R's team?" Asked a 20+ year old millionaire, former Olympian turn model patient. I laughed at first, but then I was just genuine with her. "A girl and a job." I said waiting a few moments for her to stop laughing, "...I still have the job." I said with a warm smile and a confident laugh. "That's classic," she said laughing a bit more but then becoming wonder filled about the story. "You have to be willing to show up and see what happens with your best foot forward. So I did." She understood and thanking me for the prep work before her adjustment. When the day was over, I rushed home to get packed and prepared for my drive to the airport after finding out the Flyaway Station place was closed.

The Sunday before, I got to do some karaoke at one of the local dive bars where, admittedly, I ran into one of the town's girls that is also a regular karaoke singer. We've had some interesting moments whenever we've managed to sing the same night and that periodically has led to a duet, one more drink, and the periodic, "Will you drive me home?' request. Yeah. It's likely not my singing that gets me a little bit of 'rock star,' but I like to think it is! LOL.

Now that I'm in the Homeland, I feel off schedule. I'm guessing it's because the sun doesn't rise till nearly an hour later than it does in Cali. Another clue into why I was, and some of my local friends are, in seasonal depression. There's no sunlight!! To make things ever 'better,' there wasn't even snow on the ground for Christmas! Ha. What there was, on the other hand, was plenty of food to go around! Yes, it was a not so white Christmas, but it was certainly 'gonna need to go to the gym tomorrow kind of day. Hahahaha.

One of my favorite aunts and uncle had kidnapped my grandmother leading to my invitation to join them. I feel it's their way of keeping me on my toes whenever it is I might be in town. It was a kind gesture that I took them up on as it was likely my only chance to see them, find my grandma, and eat a 'first' Christmas dinner before having dessert at my brother's place.

At both places, people opened gifts. It's the holiday tradition that I have
mixed feelings about because of the commercialization of religious convictions, but I admit the part where families put aside differences, travel great distances, and openly share what they have with you is warming and something I readily support. I guess that's it beyond super cars, a pool party where people informed me that I look so much different when I'm not black!! LOL.
Be well. Do good work, and remember 2016 is just around the corner. Hahahaha.

Friday: White Christmas, Moments of Joy & Thoughts For 2016 Updated: 12/19..11:59 AM

It's Friday! Friday! Friday! T.G.I.F.! Hahahaha. It's another weekly review of a rant from a Midwest guy in the land of milk and honey! I've been tracking the weather in the Homeland, and it's actually pretty warm, relatively speaking, for this time of the year. The five day forecast says it will be cold enough for snow to fall next week maybe giving us a 'White Christmas'. When I check the five day for Cali, it's gonna be near or below freezing the days leading up to Christmas! Yikes!! I mean, people will actually have a reason to be wearing those NorthFace coats, hats, etc. I've seen people wearing those like they're going out of style, and I'm still walking around in long-sleeve shirt and jeans! LOL. I will likely be in the Homeland (You better watch out. You better not cry. You better not pout. I'm telling you why...Santa Claus is coming to town.) getting what is gonna be warm weather for us, and that means people will be out doors and not hibernating in their homes or wherever it is they go to get relief from the cold, lack of sun, and seasonal depression! It might be just like Spring! 

So, the week... As is the season, I've been attempting to capture the "Best Of" photos for this last year and put them on a Holiday postcard of sorts to let people know I'm thinking of them but to also commemorate what happened,and more importantly, what I am hopeful will happen in 2016. Yes. There are 'universal' laws that say if we can think it into being, it can be, but we have to allow it to exist first in our minds. We have to change our perspectives on things, our behaviors, and other people, the way we perceive they are doing or not, so that we ultimately can free them to be human and indirectly ourselves to improve and just maybe enjoy more of the moment. 

It is true that if we want to change we have to allow the opportunity for other people to also change, and that may mean we have to allow the possibility of going back and dealing with some hurts and pains that we've learn to run away from or ignore, and in doing so we've set up, albeit largely unconsciously, self-defeating patterns in our approach to other people, our work, and our ability to dream and invite in what may very well be the life you and me want to have, live and enjoy. Most of these thoughts I've written about in some form or another, but I felt reaffirmed in my belief about the interconnectedness of all things and people and how one affects the other directly and indirectly when I attended a "Laws of Attraction" seminar. I thought it was more about being single because it was being promoted by a "Singles" Meet Up group, but there I was with a number of people clearly a decade or more older than me, which I always find disturbing that the group is for 30's and 40's but essentially retired or near retiring people are showing up. This has happened to me twice. I'm gonna have to start going to the 20's groups so I can end up with people close to my age! LOL. 

Recently, as in the last week, I've been speaking casually with a few of the people I see regularly at Starbucks. One of them eventually informed me that she read my blog story (The last part of the three part series.), and informed me that she felt it was, "..for lack of a more neutral word, creepy!" I laughed at first because I knew the reaction was because the first two stories hadn't been read or even the last one for the details that lead to a certain number of possibilities about her behavior in my absence. I politely informed her that the part of the story that is missing in the blog will be added to the actual published addition; it is the part that talks about my December 2014 visit; all the surprising ultra-private things I discovered that like Vince Van on Wedding Crashers I was delighted to find out about my girl friend like his 'Stage-Three Clinger' but ended up not knowing what to do when the discovery was not mutually appreciated. It is the key corner-stone of the story, and it is the part that brings it all together and why everything happened, in part, the way it did. The story in it's completeness is about hope, understanding our humanity, and holding on to things more important than the past. I'm eager to have it all done because it will hopefully be the end of the beginning of healing for all of us. 

In a book that I continue to laboriously work through (Started back in February) the depths of, Brenne Brown's Daring Greatly has changed my thoughts on a lot of traditional things I think about when it comes to being vulnerable. In short, she says that we can only truly experience the deep, desired feelings of existing and being in a relationship when we are vulnerable enough to being hurt. It's not the logic we grow up with, but it is because of our logic that we miss out in the very best we can be and enjoy in the people we invest our lives in. 

One of the recent topics I'm going over is the sensation of joy and where her research participants say they most readily experienced it. "People would often point out that it was the simple things in life and their relationships that gave them joy. One woman said she felt joy when she came down stair in the morning to find her husband in his same spot reading the paper while drinking a cup of coffee. Another person said he found joy when his wife would laugh at random things he wouldn't of thought of as funny."  She goes into other examples and how it, joy, can more readily be experienced. After I read this section, I was left thinking about why I smile or laugh at things from my recent relationship cause it's been on my mind more so as of late (Likely cause I'm finally reading the damn book like I was supposed to last year.). A number of things came to mind that could fit the idea of joy of things that it can be found in, and I laughed because they are the things I wrote about in my story not knowing that the reason behind them was because of the sensation they gave me time and time again-joy. I got to experience joy in the midst of all of it and even before things changed between us. Perspectives can change if we know to let them change, and when they do, so does our perspective on the people in our lives, what they do and why they do things. 

Take a moment and think about something that special one does or says that gives you that sense of being apart of..belonging. Maybe you have taken a moment to tell them about that activity or thing they say or do or maybe you haven't, but when they do acknowledge it. This could very well be the beginning of your experience of joy (one of the many I'm sure) with that person. Maybe you should share it with them...tell them, "When you do such and such a thing....When you laugh at this such and such a thing...when I see you do this such and such a thing, it makes me feel connected to you, and it gives me so much amount of joy when it happens. Try it. You never know what might happen. 2016 may be the year you grow personally, relationally, and financially, but it starts with being there in the moment and capturing it and as many as you can!  This is it. Till next week or I come across a reading epiphany, "Be well. Do good work, and be merry." 
#GetAdjustedToTheGoodLife #Whatsmissinginthispicture #Californiadreaming #MNMAN

Friday: The Holidays & Climate Change, The Struggle Within Us..Updated 12/16 10:24 AM

It's Friday! Friday! Friday! T.G.I.F.! LOL. It's another weekly review of a rant from a Midwest guy in the land of milk and honey! Yes, last weekend and the week proved to me that it is the season. Christmas trees, Christmas music, and even Christmas plays have essentially covered every store front and empty lot in the town. What's funny is that it was 87 degrees the other day and an even 43 degrees in the Homeland; it must have something to do with global warming that is apparently not really happening depending which political party you listen to on the radio as of late. The fact of the matter is that the weather is getting warmer, and I can appreciate it for what it is until we can't ignore the effects it will have on the food we grow and catastrophic events that have been killing off large populations of the world. I suppose that's a topic for another day, but it's real folks, and you need to be ready.

As it turns out, my housemate is a gunsmith and finally got me to agree to go to the shooting range with him the other day. I'm usually reluctant, as of late, to handle any weapons because I really don't care to remember what I can and can't do with them. But for reasons that I couldn't quite put my finger on, I agreed. Out of his arsenal, we brought an AR15, a Glock, and a 1911. What started out as a warm up distance of 15 feet soon grew to 40 feet and then 50. Accept in the case of the AR15 that ended up dysfunctional due to trigger issues, I managed to nail the bulls-eye 90% of the time. I attribute this to not actually using my own firearms where I might've been closer to 95%. Admittedly, I thought of the very short list I keep in my living will instructions and felt at peace with letting those debts go. "I'm gonna get you sucka!" is what I thought as I squeezed the trigger. Yep. I wasn't always a doctor, but I'm glad I became one so I could put down the 'proverbial' sword and maybe live a normal life--one that's more abundant. 

There is a struggle that goes on in all of us that has been happening since the dawn of time; it is the struggle between the better and worst parts of our humanity. Our basic person is largely uncivilized and barbaric when put to the test. All of time, we have worked on becoming more refined, learned to socialize between cultures, and develop the more socially appropriate parts of our person that often reflected in what kind of personality we have. There is no doubt that certain types of personalities have a greater propensity to be 'uncivilized' as there are others that are wired to be protectors, and some that are born to lead as well as follow. Some of us have an obligation to lead while a number of us to protect and the majority follow. I'm at times unsure where I fall in all of those categories, but it is a struggle some moments more than others given certain situations and people. Every day is different, and the more I listen to the news and the shootings that are happening all over the country and in the world makes me wonder if its time, again, to remember how to give people their options while pointing a weapon at them. Like most extreme situations, my training takes over my normal human response. I'm emotionless. I think. I react tactically, and I take action. The situation is handled, and I usually walk away smiling like I just got off the beach after a few ice teas with some chips and guacamole. It's good in extreme situations but bad in relational ones. Hahaha. :/ 

After we ran out of ammo, we left, and to my surprise a blue, Italian car with a Minnesota plate was in traffic with us on the way back. I smiled (Cause I focus on the better parts of the experience), and I actually waved because what are the chances of actually running into someone on the freeway in traffic. Very Slim. Bruce Started to play..One Step Up. "Same sad story that's a fact, one step up and two steps back. When I look at myself I don't see the man I wanted to be...somewhere along the line I stepped off track." When I look back at it all, she was a good gal doing her best to improve and just be, and I am grateful I got to share some the experience with her. And, then the piano keys began playing in my head shortly there after..Dion's It's all coming back to me now... 

On a different note, the Malibu gig is working out pretty well with what has become my early transition into it. I was going to begin providing days of service in January, but it worked out that I could do it sooner, and I love the drive, and the office. The lead doc has plenty of experience and the patients are really nice. Thus far, I've only received good praise from the patients I've put my hands on there, and this is a good thing because up until I arrived, they'd been getting adjusted by one of the best chiropractors in the region. And if they feel I'm doing as good of a job as the lead doc, that means I'm not to shabby of a chiropractor. I partly thought this might be true before because of the patients that began following me around the area when I worked for the 'corporation,' and its true, that some people just hadn't been adjusted before with good power or skill, but in the end, the numbers told a story that I had no idea was happening. Adjustment by adjustment, patients were leaving their 'established' doctor to find me and only me after the first or second visit. It's true, and I guess that means I learned a thing or two in my very short six years of practicing in comparison to the 20+ year experienced docs. LOL. That's a wrap...I might add a section towards the end of the day, but I'm waiting to see how today goes. Hahaha. #Whatsmissingingthispicture #GetAdjustedToTheGoodLife #Californiadreaming 

Friday: Christmas Lights, Memories, Malibu, Entitled Women.

Friday! Friday! T.G.I.F.  Hahahaha. It's another Friday  weekly review of Rants from a Midwest Guy In The Land of Milk And Honey and Weekend Wrap Up. Yeah, I know it's Sunday, but so many things happened last week on Thursday and Friday that I couldn't quite wrap my hands around all of it and what it meant. Today has improved after a good, hard workout, sleep last night, and a good cup of coffee. I'm feeling I have a better grip on parts of it. The week included some dating experiences, a job transition, and dealing with the darkness of the days being so short....they suck the energy right out of you.  That being said, they also bring people together to share a few moments of fire and lights.

The week got interesting when I made it out to the LA Zoo, and I was fortunate to be out with one of my newest local LA girl friends that suggested the event, got us tickets, and made the whole thing worth the while. The light shows, displays, and music totally brought me back to "Christmas" down town San Jose from graduate school days largely because of the lack of snow or cold! LOL. Listening to the music and hugging someone special made the season more personal than just a passing commercialized holiday. It was a good night, and it ended with a tasty bowl of Beef Stew PHO in Burbank.

It was just one night before that I was uncertain how the weekend would go because I had began the process of switching out of the corporate chiropractic job into a more exclusive, private practice in Malibu. When the time came to make the drive over Malibu Canyon, the Mamas and The Papas' California Dreaming started to play. The mountains, the cliffs, and the windy road that eventually opens up to the ocean were the signs that I was in the right place, and that everything that had lead to that moment in time, albeit, some tragic,. This was only confirmed by the business partner that said, "Everything happens for a reason, and somethings we just have to leave in the past so we can embrace the future, and yours looks bright." The day ended with my drive back home, which was one of my fastest drive times ever because of the distance--short. The year is changing soon, and so will the outlook for things future. It is, at times, strange to think about it all, but the band keeps playing on so we move forward.

I was out on a "meet and greet" with a gal I met on-line. After a little bit of back and forth, we mutually agreed to meet and determine if we could have a conversation, maybe be attracted to the other, etc. Most of the time, this happens instantly if you just happen to be at Starbucks and a gal walks in off of the street and asks if she can take the seat next to you! LOL. But, the on-line dating thing has that one extra element of 'surprise' that's hard to account for until you meet the other person. So there I was after some significant news was presented to me at one of the local places I usually grab a happy hour beer at because I'm cheap. The woman shows up, and determines to grab a glass of wine. As we talk, much like I would some other person I'd meet at the bar counter to make small talk, the woman goes on to tell me that she makes well over 100K per year, had just finished her second marriage, and had one of five children staying at home with her. I thought that I might've not shown up if I had know that information, but she was cute enough in her picture, but not as much in person. She went on to tell me that she was having trouble getting men to take her out on a second date or an initial one, as we were really just meeting to decide if any dating was going to happen, for reasons she was unsure of beyond her stronger personality. I laughed. We laughed, but then she finished her glass of wine, and asked me if I minded she got another. I laughed informing her she could have as many as she wanted if she was going to pay for them. She looked shocked, and informed me that it was more gentleman-like of me to offer to pay. 

At this point I asked her why she felt that way only to inform me that it was traditional. I responded that if we had agreed to go on a date, I might've picked up the check, but we were just meeting on a mutual interest to decide if there was an interest, and that I was not going to pick up her second drink just based on the principle of entitlement. "You make a 100K, and you want me to pick up your drinks?! LOL. Why?" Her response went into more detail to include that she was interesting, fun, and had worked hard to be in the position she was in allowing her to engage in the level of conversation we were having. I laughed and politely informed her that she had it wrong because clearly I was attractive to her, I was able to engage in the same level of dialog with her, and that I too had to achieve in order to be in that exact position. "I might as well pay for the chic's drinks and apps siting next me because she was fun too, a perfect strange, and actually makes less money than you and was actually interested in meeting me even after I told her I was here to meet you! LOL. Should I pay for her drinks also?! No, just like I'm not going to pay for your second. My extension of curtesy ended when you informed me about all your kids, your second divorce and the fact that you didn't bring them up because you knew most men wouldn't bother...so you really should pay for my drink and app.!" I laughed. Payed for my drink and her initial, and left but not before giving my card to the gal that was sitting next to me..no kids, never married, avid gym goer. It's a California thing that women make a bunch of money, but they still want yours too with no incentives. Please ladies at least make it interesting. Hahaha.  

Christmas is here along with all the music that was created for it. I admit that I really enjoy most of it and the expressions people make while listening to it. As most of my mornings go, I was working on this very blog piece at my local Starbucks while the music played. The years of Christmases past came to mind including last years when I was living on the South side of Minneapolis. It was cold and snow those few days of bliss, and I had a visitor from California visiting me part of it. Yes, this year will be different. It's likely gonna be 70 degrees sunny Christmas Eve and Day. I'll be in the Homeland for it just like I was last year, but at the end of the week, I'll be leaving. Although, I left at the end of the week last year as well to come to California to job/client prospect. How life changes in an instant, but the memories of it keep on going on and on. I suppose it's time to send out postcards. I usually try and keep up, but considering all the newness of things present, it may be in order. Until next week, happy holiday shopping and Christmas related stuff. 

Black Friday: Thanksgiving and Jewish Persecution...!?!

 Friday! Friday! Friday! T.G.I.F.  Hahahaha. It's another Friday  weekly review of Rants from a Midwest Guy In The Land of Milk And Honey and Weekend Wrap Up. It's Black Friday, and some places have been open for hours. Even yesterday, Thanksgiving day, I saw people lined up outside of places getting ready for the Midnight Madness sales commonly affiliated with the biggest shopping day of the year. I participated in it last year with my brother so I could get a cover for my comforter but mostly did it for the family bonding time. Seeing the lines this year more or less made me wonder if people are commercially programmed into thinking they're in need of "STUFF" and go out and spend money they may or may not have, or if people actually plan on the sales in preparation for the gift giving season or things they just need for themselves. I'm inclined to think there are both types of shoppers in a disproportionate percentage. I just wonder, "Why?" Why is it so important to wait till now to go out and stand in line for hours in what can be really frigged weather to get gifts for people or things you might actually need when you likely could've just got it on-line for a deal all along?! 

I totally get it if you actually need something and maybe it just happen to be close enough to the sale season to get it, but otherwise people seem to do just fine without those things. In so far as the 'show your appreciation of someone' side of things, wouldn't it be just as appreciated to get a gift for whatever reason any other time of the year versus wait till Christmas?! I guess the family aspect of it is important, but the need for gift giving as the symbolic reminder from Christianity that God gave His son for what essentially was his own rule enforcement versus actually being flexible or forgiving or even merciful as He is stated to be, but He apparently doesn't, he had to kill his own son to make up for his personality issues sometimes known as sociopathic behavior. People just don't want to believe their main focus of life and afterlife insurance policy is actually not only forgiving but unforgiving. This is a theological discussion my college friends' hair stand up with when I present the other side of an 'almighty, all powerful, and all knowing' God. 

So we're caught in the perpetual social catch 22 in the buying season. We're told that we celebrate the Christian theme by practicing gift giving on that day for that reason or others but essentially that one. The corporations have capitalized on it making our antiquated notion that we need to give in order to receive and our practice of it or non-practice of it has been tied to our personal worth and value. The more we give to someone, the more valuable they perceive themselves to be in turn increasing our value in their perspective and so forth. But is that the real meaning of Christmas or is the Christian theological notion of 'balancing out our sin' the cause of all the warm and fuzzy shopping accidents that happen on black Friday?! Hard to say, but I like the hot chocolate, the excuse to spend money on someone that I care about (even though I do this all the time without a reason), and the holiday music and movies.

Jewish Persecution......
That topic aside, I was fortunate to spend the holiday at one of my Minnesota friend's dinner for other orphans like myself living in California. The dinner was wonderful, and the 'wonderous' slush was likely the cause of me wanting to through the towel in early that night. It was fun until one of the guest pointed out to some of us in one of the rooms that we were all wearing crosses in some piece of jewelry. She later stated it was religious overload because of her "Jewish" background. Somehow, this white woman went on about her Jewish heritage and being oppressed, and all things she never actually had to experience herself but was essentially programmed by her mother that "had to change her name to  a non-Jewish one so she wouldn't be discriminated against," essentially convinced her was happening to her also! Ha. I thought. I white woman having a social reaction in her early 40's in a house full of people that could've cared less must be part of the reason she lives in San Francisco and has been single for one too many years. The me remind you it was the German's that killed the Jews..not the American Christian. It was the Jews that killed Jesus...not the Germans. So, I almost lost it that she felt she was part of a religious minority  that was oppressed but in fact are the wealthiest group of people in the world, are largely white, and generally are exclusive of non-Jewish people. I could only say to her, "You should try being Mexican sometime, and then see if you feel you're still 'persecuted'!" It was then that I thought I should leave so I didn't begin to intellectually persecute her for her mental non-sense. LOL. 

The weekend.....
As has been the case for a couple of months, I work Saturday's. I usually try and have some kind of productive morning involving coffee, emails, and the gym. Last Saturday was no different. I got up at 6:00 AM and went to my local Starbucks, worked on my blog, and when I felt the time was right, I made my way up to the gym to warm up for the day. Doing chiropractic work is a physically demanding job, and if I don't get in a good stretch and mild cardio, I'm hard pressed to be full awake to work on upwards of 40 people average.
Some mornings I'll do a  3/4 work-out of a body region including my abs, and what I work on depends on what office I'm working. It was a shoulder morning. I go between doing stationary machines to cable work to free-weights depending, again, on the muscle group and how much of the workout is gonna get done. I usually rotate which end of it I'm going to start with, but that day, I did stationary work. The photo below was my post-turkey eating check-up at 2:00 AM.....almost there. 

As I counted and breathed, my concentration was on the pole right in front of me facing the direction of the free weights. Admittedly, the scenery can be very motivating at times, but today it was more or less empty except for a hair dew that looked familiar to me. The more I worked on my shoulders I noticed a pair of eye balls looking my direction from that hair dew in the mirror reflection. "Ahh..KC." I thought and smiled but continued to work out as if I hadn't noticed her. Eventually she ended up right behind me by a few feet. It was actually nice and neutral as our experiences should be. Our shared interest in fitness was one we never really got to do together as one of her past boyfriends made her elect to not share the activity with me, but it's definitely another thing people should have in common. She did her Abs, and I did my shoulders, which made me wonder if she really didn't think it was me cause she set herself up right next to me. I guess it's possible cause I've grown my muscles some....a lot. LOL. Eventually I ended up on my way out the door, and made my to work thankful for the experience...because your interactions with people are like marbles that go into their memory bank..the more positive or neutral ones you have, the more happy you can be seeing someone. More importantly, you can reprogram some of the negative programming they've done on your behalf. So, it was good. That's the story.. Until next time, the the news from a Midwest guy living in the land of milk and honey. Current Life Sound Track..Broken Wings by Mister, Mister

Friday! There & Back Again..A Visit To The Homeland! Updated 12/14/15 08:55 AM

Friday! Friday! Friday! T.G.I.F.  Hahahaha. It's really Sunday, but better late than never. It's another Friday and the first combo writing piece of the weekend review and weekly Rants from a Midwest Guy In The Land of Milk And Honey. That being the case, there are a few things to talk about from my visit home and a few of the people, outside of family, that I had the opportunity to spend some time with. In a nut shell, people cried different tears...tears of joy...tears of sorrow...tears of happiness...and tears of remembrance. I can't remember the last time I had that many people cry with me or near me, but I guess I was the guy they felt they could let a few go with... Yikes!! So let's get into it!

As I mentioned on my last weekly review, I usually fly on Delta's Red-eye flight home because there's usually no traffic getting to the airport', long-term parking area shuttles are waiting to drive anyone to the airport with a high level of frequency, and, more importantly, there is no line at the security check point. Although, there was a noticeable increase in police presence everywhere at the airport because of the attacks in Paris. One of the gate agents recognized me from all of my coming and going in the last year. It's nice to have someone wave you through even though there was no line. I laughed a bit informing him I had finally transitioned over to California and was now visiting Minnesota for a change. LOL. 

The flight was typical. I was given an aisle seat near business class and managed to pass-out before the flight left the gate until I felt it speed up and start to ascend. Then, the person next to me kept me up with 'accidental' warming gasses. I mean..if I could've lit a match, CNN would've  sold it as a domestic terrorist attach with the headline 'Woman's gas brings down an airliner." So it was a "sleep less" than I wanted to kind of flight.

Walking off the plane and getting home was refreshing and welcome. I only had a touch euphoria because it felt exactly as is has every time I this flight was the end of a visit to Cali. For a few moments, I had the sensation that I left my person (significant other) back in Cali, and I needed to get back to her. Strange, but it passed as I made my way through the airport. "Not any more I thought!!" Those days of needing to get back to California ended when I arrived in my Jeep at Zuma beach in Malibu May 31st, and now, I was just visiting. It felt good. I felt free. Since my return to Cali, I've only been home for family related affairs, the MN State Fair, and to grab or move the remaining bits of my books and personals I couldn't fit in my Jeep on the way out. 

All of it a pleasant memory for the most part largely because I focused on remembering those parts of it more than the less happy ones my former seemed to be struggling with not focusing on during the time leading up to our last meet up. She was, as I could barely find the words to tell her of the million things I thought in and after the moment, beautiful. The experience was freeing even if it had its ups and downs. I can do nothing or everything with anyone. And, as good as it felt in the aftermath analysis of the encounter, the sentiment was followed by anxiety and a concern for the vast openness of the future--one that I was only making decisions for myself versus ones that would be shared with someone(s) special, and the loneliness that it presented. I half smiled making my way to the airport rental car area flipping open one of the dating applications I re-opened to get back to it--being single. I had been dating all along, but I hadn't, and at times, still don't feel I was really free to..It's a Taurus thing I'm told. Hahahaha.

Unlike my experiences with dating in California where I'm apparently the wrong ethnic background (cause everyone is olive and dark haired!) in the Homeland, I'm exotic. And this only meant one thing--the rule of scarcity would apply to me in the very few days that followed. As predicted, my dating app lit up with matches and eventually messages from Minnesota women that were interested in meeting up for a drink and whatever else the night may offer. It was only 6:35 AM in the morning when I started swiping right! By the time I got my rental car, I had over a dozen matches and two messages! I couldn't believe it. I guess the Universe didn't want me to be lonely in my new 'mental' freedom that had just come to me a few days before at the grocery store. LOL 

The car rental place gave me two options, a Fiat or a over-sized SUV. Naturally I took the Fiat and was off to have coffee at my regular Starbucks place on Hennepin. Just before I arrived, I text my one of my close friends that I had arrived and would pick her up for breakfast. I offered mostly cause I wanted to drive the car around but also because her cat, NUPU, was on his death bed. My former's cat, LEO, passed during the aftermath of our very own April Fools Day loss. We shared a few moments of grief as we related about the rest of our losses in our last days together, but I never got to say good-bye to any of them. This time I did, and I didn't want to miss it for lots of reasons if not only to be there for my friend that had him for 15 years.

After I greeted all the regular Starbucks baristas and got my coffee, I left to picked up Ranta. Nupu was still moving around and eating just a little bit more from my arrival as if he had missed my presence over the last few months. He was on pain medication to ease his suffering and his eventual passing in the days that followed. Within a few minutes, we went to one of my favorite breakfast places--Al's Breakfast. After the traditional stand around and wait, we ate and eventually ended up at Midwest Mountaineering as we had in days past and over the years for me personally. It's been a good 20 year tradition of standing in the line, if there is one, getting on one of the 13 stools to order a cup of their expresso blend coffee, and whatever dish smelled the best to me.

If you've ever been there with me, I'm kinda a stickler for what works at a place after a few visits, and the two pouched eggs, covered with cheddar cheese sitting on top of hash browns and salsa is my meal of choice--it's called the JOSE! LOL. The place is located in Dinkytown and is usually packed. Part of the tradition used to being heckled by the line cook or counter guy till you either got your stool or you left because people don't realize it could be a while before you get that far. And that's part of the beauty of it! Hahahaha. After a fe more moments of seeing her home improvement projects, I left.

The only real important thing I needed to accomplish after breakfast was getting my mom to our meeting with her docs and get some things lined up for the after math of the surgery and a few health concerns leading up to it. The rest of my first day's activities involved getting my Airbnb rental keys, and answering a few of the random number of dating App messages I had received earlier in the day, and taking pictures. I find that I forget to take enough of pictures, and when I look back at the trips, I'm disappointed in what I ended with in the final count. That being said, I ended up at one of my other favorite taco places in Uptown, Chino Latino, to meet my friend and business partner Adam and his smoking wife Danni. We're old friends from graduate school, and one day after my arrival to Minnesota he asked if I would consider doing some work for him in his Edina office. We laughed, had a few drinks, and eventually went to our respective homes for an early night in...cause when you start with a red-eye flight, no sleep and end up at an early happy hour at 4:00 PM, 7:00 PM is a late night!

As we talked and I went over my Malibu role, and my last encounter with my former, I thought about the Edina role, and how I had planned on returning, in those days, back to California as soon as I could. As time moved forward faster than I thought, and Winter was upon me, it turned into the worst Winter 2013/14 of Minnesota history in 40 years. The three good things that came from that Winter: I met a gal that would later become a love interest; I fixed the heater on my Jeep, and one day a few months later on one of the heaviest of snow days in January 2014, a short blond gal walked into the Starbucks were I was sitting and asked if she could join me--her name is KC. Hahahaha.

My last encounter, as I recanted with Adam and Danni that had followed our story since its first day, with her was at one of our local grocery stores just few days before my visit to the Homeland. She, as much as I, was caught off-guard by my turning into the aisle that she was standing in. We jumped back just a bit when we realized it was us. Of all the things I wanted to say or ask about flashed through my mind, but I couldn't find the right words in the moment and I just looked at her before I said, "I'm at a loss of words at the moment." Followed by, "You look good. What's it been!? Four or five months since we talked to each other last?" She shrugged her shoulders in uncertainty attempting to get past the unrealness of the moment. But then again, she might've been trying to not participate in the small talk and let all of 'us' come out from within her so as to not be consumed by it. 

A million things seemed to be clicking in her head also evident by her changing demeanor as the minutes moved forward. She mentioned the flowers I sent her were hurtful. I apologized for the gesture hoping it might've had the opposite effect. "It was a good will gesture considering your non-response to anything I've written you." She was calm for a moment and followed with her explanation of her lack of communication with me. "I've haven't responded to you because it was what I felt was most healthy for me to do... so I can try and move forward." She continued with, "But I get reminders from you! I don't need reminders." She said in a normal even tone starting to become a touch more defensive. I thought, "Well, you might've been further along if we had gotten to do some of that talking we should've." But what I said was, "I'm just going to listen to whatever you have to say, but I'm only here because we had a plans that involved a baby we were gonna have (until we didn't) and an agreement that you backed out on in the aftermath. Do you remember that?"

Her response was typical of her over processing, and although I understood it, it was off base. Our agreement, the one that was part of my reason for moving to California, she called "BLACKMAIL". "Wait a minute. I had a blog I wrote and posted because of how illusive you were while you were pregnant and then how all of the people that should've know didn't know at all evident by their continued distancing from me as we were planning our life together. Don't you think that was a bit off? You wanted me to take it down after not having spoken to me in nearly a month (after April 1st). I only agreed and did take it down under the condition that you and me were going to do some grievance counselling with a professional if and when I moved to California. That's NOT blackmail." I dismissed it because there was no reason to try and reason with her versus just have a neutral experience to give her brain something different to process other than, "a negative one," which is what she seemed to have focused on in our silence. 

I attempted to change the conversation to calm her mind some by asking, "I know you keep things from your previous boyfriends as keep-sakes. Do you still have my things I left?" She wasn't sure what I meant by it, but eventually she got it. Trinkets she left in her living space, her cat, the sofa were all things/remnants from her previous relationships along with mine. It was then that she became paranoid that I was somewhat content to see her followed by her accusation of me stalking her. I asked her why she thought it pointing out that it wasn't true and that not too many months ago she thought I had flown to California for my birthday weekend, after she 'lost' our pregnancy, to wipe her off the face of the planet; and like now, it was her imagination and paranoia gone wild. She calmed again momentarily. 

The lack of actual dialog being between us only made her paranoia and anxiety worse like in the months past and the ones leading up to that moment. She said she had her reasons, but really she had none besides the fact that I was there in town, again, because of us. "I'm here because of you and me and us. And just because you think I'm doing anything other than living my lifed, is not gonna make me leave town or change my routine anymore than I have for you because that's not healthy for me...to run from you." I said it because she said I was not a 'healthy person'! Her response was calm, "I never asked you to leave town." Something she said with a slight tonal change in her voice and demeanor. When we met my birthday weekend, all of her perceived fears of her life being in danger disappeared, and we reconnected and essentially agreed we should talk as time moved forward till it hadn't. "Why are we not talking to help this out?" I asked so that the intensity of any run in was NULL and pleasant versus what she described as a physical reaction to me. The same could have happen a long time ago, but she didn't allow it, and neither of us any better for it.

She panicked and then went back to normal again, but not before she said, "I don't know why I'm discussing any of this with you. Why can't I walk away....? She seemed to ask herself rhetorically finally realizing how much time had passed since the initial moment.  "You really hurt me..... We were over, and then we were really over." I knew why she didn't just walk away from me the second she saw me in the isle, and I'm sure if she were honest with herself about it, she does too--there are things to resolve because behind them and through them healing can be found. That extreme range of emotions happens to you when you fail to have necessary communication with someone you have emotions with in the first place..and a connection. It was as if she were ashamed at what had happened between us. She had said it on more than one occasion that she was embarrassed she had to tell "some people" we were expecting. 

Perhaps she feared that she might actually connect with me again and not know how to feel considering our run into each other at the beginning of May, but it was already happening evident by her inability to walk away from me. She began making demands of me that I listened to her make but ultimately I was not going to honor most of because of her failure to participate and fulfill her part of our deal. As we walked away together for a moment, I mentioned she was gonna be famous. "The book is coming out, and you had every chance to participate and change my 'perspective' as you say it is on what took place and what happened. She was still struggling with all of it, and I felt compassion for her because I do want her to be well, happy, and more complete even in the exclusion of me. She asked that I not write about her or mention her in any of it, but it's too late. Me not doing so would require her to clean up the mess she created, the negative social collateral, to even out the social vibe. This would happen if we reconciled, but like little girls that cry "Wolf" too many times, she likely wasn't going to embarrass or shame herself to do it publicly. 

"The book is a true story and accounts for both our lives together, and it is part of my social defense and the deconstruction of the social collateral you created...we created." I thought as we walked toward the check-out lanes in our own directions. If she had actually read any of it, she would see the writing is my deepest effort to open her mind and change the filters we have for the other so as to see what had happened in a different light and perspective. No one can change even if they have, if you don't let them change in your mental perception of them. Before I left, I softly said to her, "It was good to see you Kelley. Take care of yourself." She turned slightly to acknowledge me and breathed deeply. Before I knew it, I was home to getting ready for my trip not fully processing the event. It was bound to happen sooner or later....our running into each other. It just turned out it was a full moon that night, and an orange fluffy cat that looks exactly like her Leo had been showing up at my front door in the days that preceded it. I guess. 

Monday finally came. It wasn't because I wanted to rush my trip, but rather because I wanted to see a gal I had only gone out on one date with two years ago! At the end of that night, something happened between us that I only got the explanation for during our visit. No! It wasn't sex. LOL. Beth moved to Rochester to complete her Fellowship and medical training. We had met at the LA Fitness in Uptown one day largely due to the 80s style leg warmers she had on that I had to say something to her about. We went to the British Advertisement Awards, and it was a really fun night. When we talked about it, on Monday, it turned out to be one of the funnest dates she'd been on. At the end of it, as I brought it up in our casual talk on the her sofa, I picked her up off of the floor and took in her hair's smell and apparently some of her Ora--we connected instantly ...or as some of my friends would say..realized we were connected and then were not sure what it was or what to do about it. As I continued my recollection of the event, Beth began to cry...almost uncontrollably....for minutes. I sat and listened, hugged her, and kissed her on the forehead and cheek as I had the first time we went out.  


She began to tell me the story of how her life was in turmoil when we went out back then, and that when it was all said and done, her choice to be single again after being married was empty. All of her planning, her hard work, and her achievement had brought her to the dream job, no more financial worry, and plenty to do everywhere, but it was all empty even with the guy she ended up dating the 14 months prior to us meeting. She meant this from the perspective that I mentioned above..now she was only making decisions that would affect her and no one else; it was a lonely experience and had been the entirety of her time in Rochester the last year. She became vulnerable to me in those moments, and remembering KC, I kept my mouth shut, and listened to her talk and share. In the aftermath, we agreed we would be friends for obvious reasons (She lives there, and I live here.), stay more in touch, and perhaps see what comes of our connection in the future if only an annual visit to the BA Awards. Other things, some stated and others unclear, were still in the way of it. I'm not so sure she really knew what those things are. Or, if they mattered, but we'll see. When the time came, I embraced her again and left. The 1.5 hour drive home was easy. The night ended with friends back in Minneapolis and a short talk with one of my former lovers that wanted to see me. We also decided we should be friends, and it turned out she was one of the three gals that didn't cry when seeing me! L.O.L. Then, it was my time to watch the cat overnight. 

I was fortunate to see NUPU before he couldn't move anymore on his own. I stayed with him on the sofa watching him take short breathes as people approaching the end of their life do. I talked to him when I woke periodically to see if he was still alive. He moved his ears to listen and would let out a breath from time to time. In his last hours, he was motionless, and then he passed. I filled with grief and sorrow watching him leave, but eventually I felt more relief because if he was suffering, it was now over. I got to be there for it, and that gave me peace getting to participate in his passing and eventual burial. Although I didn't quite understand my strong reaction to it at first, it gave me some indirect resolve on my losses with KC adding to the strange sensation of freedom I began to experience after our last meet. I politely informed Ranta as she made her way down to start her day that Nupu passed. She pet him and began crying. Another girl crying with me in it somehow! LOL. I guess it was my turn to be that friend. She wrapped him and later found a place to bury him in the yard as I was on my way home to California.


Getting home gave me the same sensation it did in years past when I was away visiting in Minnesota--subtle content that I had made it back. When I got to my jeep in the parking lot waiting for me to start it, I laughed. Relief came over me that I couldn't quite place. As usual, I park in the same letter and number that I do in any parking structure or area: 3C. The drive home was the same. Adel's HELLO began playing over the radio like a James Bond theme song to my real life, which at times feels like a movie. It was the music that played most of my trip especially when I woke or was getting ready to fall asleep, but this time it was my current life sound track for the drive. It's the same drive I've done for the last couple of years except this time I wasn't stressed to get back or excited to see anyone. It was just the drive home to where I live and where I keep my stuff. I thought of all of them...all of the people, especially the girls, that had come into and out of my life in the last three years and smiled. They all had their part in my arrival to that very moment in time, and whatever part I got to play in theirs lives, I can only hope was more good than anything else even in the difficult situations. All things are one and written by the same hand. 

Hello, it's me.

I was wondering if after all these 'months' you'd like to meet

and go over everything

They say that time's supposed to heal ya,

but I haven't done much healing.

Hello, can you hear me?

I'm in California Dreaming about how we used to be

when we were younger and free

I've forgotten how it felt when the world fell apart at our feet

There's such a difference between us and a million miles

Hello from the other side

I must've called a thousand times

To tell you I'm sorry

For everything that I've done

But when I call you never

Seem to be home

Hello from the outside

At least I can say that I've tried

To tell you I'm sorry

For breaking your heart

But it don't matter, it clearly

Doesn't tear you apart anymore

Hello, how are you?

It's so typical of me to talk about myself, I'm sorry

I hope that you're well

Did you ever make it out of that town

Where nothing ever happened?

It's no secret

That the both of us

Are running out of time

by Adele....