As I mentioned on my last weekly review, I usually fly on Delta's Red-eye flight home because there's usually no traffic getting to the airport', long-term parking area shuttles are waiting to drive anyone to the airport with a high level of frequency, and, more importantly, there is no line at the security check point. Although, there was a noticeable increase in police presence everywhere at the airport because of the attacks in Paris. One of the gate agents recognized me from all of my coming and going in the last year. It's nice to have someone wave you through even though there was no line. I laughed a bit informing him I had finally transitioned over to California and was now visiting Minnesota for a change. LOL.
The flight was typical. I was given an aisle seat near business class and managed to pass-out before the flight left the gate until I felt it speed up and start to ascend. Then, the person next to me kept me up with 'accidental' warming gasses. I mean..if I could've lit a match, CNN would've sold it as a domestic terrorist attach with the headline 'Woman's gas brings down an airliner." So it was a "sleep less" than I wanted to kind of flight.
All of it a pleasant memory for the most part largely because I focused on remembering those parts of it more than the less happy ones my former seemed to be struggling with not focusing on during the time leading up to our last meet up. She was, as I could barely find the words to tell her of the million things I thought in and after the moment, beautiful. The experience was freeing even if it had its ups and downs. I can do nothing or everything with anyone. And, as good as it felt in the aftermath analysis of the encounter, the sentiment was followed by anxiety and a concern for the vast openness of the future--one that I was only making decisions for myself versus ones that would be shared with someone(s) special, and the loneliness that it presented. I half smiled making my way to the airport rental car area flipping open one of the dating applications I re-opened to get back to it--being single. I had been dating all along, but I hadn't, and at times, still don't feel I was really free to..It's a Taurus thing I'm told. Hahahaha.
Unlike my experiences with dating in California where I'm apparently the wrong ethnic background (cause everyone is olive and dark haired!) in the Homeland, I'm exotic. And this only meant one thing--the rule of scarcity would apply to me in the very few days that followed. As predicted, my dating app lit up with matches and eventually messages from Minnesota women that were interested in meeting up for a drink and whatever else the night may offer. It was only 6:35 AM in the morning when I started swiping right! By the time I got my rental car, I had over a dozen matches and two messages! I couldn't believe it. I guess the Universe didn't want me to be lonely in my new 'mental' freedom that had just come to me a few days before at the grocery store. LOL
After I greeted all the regular Starbucks baristas and got my coffee, I left to picked up Ranta. Nupu was still moving around and eating just a little bit more from my arrival as if he had missed my presence over the last few months. He was on pain medication to ease his suffering and his eventual passing in the days that followed. Within a few minutes, we went to one of my favorite breakfast places--Al's Breakfast. After the traditional stand around and wait, we ate and eventually ended up at Midwest Mountaineering as we had in days past and over the years for me personally. It's been a good 20 year tradition of standing in the line, if there is one, getting on one of the 13 stools to order a cup of their expresso blend coffee, and whatever dish smelled the best to me.If you've ever been there with me, I'm kinda a stickler for what works at a place after a few visits, and the two pouched eggs, covered with cheddar cheese sitting on top of hash browns and salsa is my meal of choice--it's called the JOSE! LOL. The place is located in Dinkytown and is usually packed. Part of the tradition used to being heckled by the line cook or counter guy till you either got your stool or you left because people don't realize it could be a while before you get that far. And that's part of the beauty of it! Hahahaha. After a fe more moments of seeing her home improvement projects, I left.
As we talked and I went over my Malibu role, and my last encounter with my former, I thought about the Edina role, and how I had planned on returning, in those days, back to California as soon as I could. As time moved forward faster than I thought, and Winter was upon me, it turned into the worst Winter 2013/14 of Minnesota history in 40 years. The three good things that came from that Winter: I met a gal that would later become a love interest; I fixed the heater on my Jeep, and one day a few months later on one of the heaviest of snow days in January 2014, a short blond gal walked into the Starbucks were I was sitting and asked if she could join me--her name is KC. Hahahaha.My last encounter, as I recanted with Adam and Danni that had followed our story since its first day, with her was at one of our local grocery stores just few days before my visit to the Homeland. She, as much as I, was caught off-guard by my turning into the aisle that she was standing in. We jumped back just a bit when we realized it was us. Of all the things I wanted to say or ask about flashed through my mind, but I couldn't find the right words in the moment and I just looked at her before I said, "I'm at a loss of words at the moment." Followed by, "You look good. What's it been!? Four or five months since we talked to each other last?" She shrugged her shoulders in uncertainty attempting to get past the unrealness of the moment. But then again, she might've been trying to not participate in the small talk and let all of 'us' come out from within her so as to not be consumed by it.
A million things seemed to be clicking in her head also evident by her changing demeanor as the minutes moved forward. She mentioned the flowers I sent her were hurtful. I apologized for the gesture hoping it might've had the opposite effect. "It was a good will gesture considering your non-response to anything I've written you." She was calm for a moment and followed with her explanation of her lack of communication with me. "I've haven't responded to you because it was what I felt was most healthy for me to do... so I can try and move forward." She continued with, "But I get reminders from you! I don't need reminders." She said in a normal even tone starting to become a touch more defensive. I thought, "Well, you might've been further along if we had gotten to do some of that talking we should've." But what I said was, "I'm just going to listen to whatever you have to say, but I'm only here because we had a plans that involved a baby we were gonna have (until we didn't) and an agreement that you backed out on in the aftermath. Do you remember that?"
I attempted to change the conversation to calm her mind some by asking, "I know you keep things from your previous boyfriends as keep-sakes. Do you still have my things I left?" She wasn't sure what I meant by it, but eventually she got it. Trinkets she left in her living space, her cat, the sofa were all things/remnants from her previous relationships along with mine. It was then that she became paranoid that I was somewhat content to see her followed by her accusation of me stalking her. I asked her why she thought it pointing out that it wasn't true and that not too many months ago she thought I had flown to California for my birthday weekend, after she 'lost' our pregnancy, to wipe her off the face of the planet; and like now, it was her imagination and paranoia gone wild. She calmed again momentarily. The lack of actual dialog being between us only made her paranoia and anxiety worse like in the months past and the ones leading up to that moment. She said she had her reasons, but really she had none besides the fact that I was there in town, again, because of us. "I'm here because of you and me and us. And just because you think I'm doing anything other than living my lifed, is not gonna make me leave town or change my routine anymore than I have for you because that's not healthy for me...to run from you." I said it because she said I was not a 'healthy person'! Her response was calm, "I never asked you to leave town." Something she said with a slight tonal change in her voice and demeanor. When we met my birthday weekend, all of her perceived fears of her life being in danger disappeared, and we reconnected and essentially agreed we should talk as time moved forward till it hadn't. "Why are we not talking to help this out?" I asked so that the intensity of any run in was NULL and pleasant versus what she described as a physical reaction to me. The same could have happen a long time ago, but she didn't allow it, and neither of us any better for it.
She panicked and then went back to normal again, but not before she said, "I don't know why I'm discussing any of this with you. Why can't I walk away....? She seemed to ask herself rhetorically finally realizing how much time had passed since the initial moment. "You really hurt me..... We were over, and then we were really over." I knew why she didn't just walk away from me the second she saw me in the isle, and I'm sure if she were honest with herself about it, she does too--there are things to resolve because behind them and through them healing can be found. That extreme range of emotions happens to you when you fail to have necessary communication with someone you have emotions with in the first place..and a connection. It was as if she were ashamed at what had happened between us. She had said it on more than one occasion that she was embarrassed she had to tell "some people" we were expecting.
"The book is a true story and accounts for both our lives together, and it is part of my social defense and the deconstruction of the social collateral you created...we created." I thought as we walked toward the check-out lanes in our own directions. If she had actually read any of it, she would see the writing is my deepest effort to open her mind and change the filters we have for the other so as to see what had happened in a different light and perspective. No one can change even if they have, if you don't let them change in your mental perception of them. Before I left, I softly said to her, "It was good to see you Kelley. Take care of yourself." She turned slightly to acknowledge me and breathed deeply. Before I knew it, I was home to getting ready for my trip not fully processing the event. It was bound to happen sooner or later....our running into each other. It just turned out it was a full moon that night, and an orange fluffy cat that looks exactly like her Leo had been showing up at my front door in the days that preceded it. I guess.
She began to tell me the story of how her life was in turmoil when we went out back then, and that when it was all said and done, her choice to be single again after being married was empty. All of her planning, her hard work, and her achievement had brought her to the dream job, no more financial worry, and plenty to do everywhere, but it was all empty even with the guy she ended up dating the 14 months prior to us meeting. She meant this from the perspective that I mentioned above..now she was only making decisions that would affect her and no one else; it was a lonely experience and had been the entirety of her time in Rochester the last year. She became vulnerable to me in those moments, and remembering KC, I kept my mouth shut, and listened to her talk and share. In the aftermath, we agreed we would be friends for obvious reasons (She lives there, and I live here.), stay more in touch, and perhaps see what comes of our connection in the future if only an annual visit to the BA Awards. Other things, some stated and others unclear, were still in the way of it. I'm not so sure she really knew what those things are. Or, if they mattered, but we'll see. When the time came, I embraced her again and left. The 1.5 hour drive home was easy. The night ended with friends back in Minneapolis and a short talk with one of my former lovers that wanted to see me. We also decided we should be friends, and it turned out she was one of the three gals that didn't cry when seeing me! L.O.L. Then, it was my time to watch the cat overnight.
I was fortunate to see NUPU before he couldn't move anymore on his own. I stayed with him on the sofa watching him take short breathes as people approaching the end of their life do. I talked to him when I woke periodically to see if he was still alive. He moved his ears to listen and would let out a breath from time to time. In his last hours, he was motionless, and then he passed. I filled with grief and sorrow watching him leave, but eventually I felt more relief because if he was suffering, it was now over. I got to be there for it, and that gave me peace getting to participate in his passing and eventual burial. Although I didn't quite understand my strong reaction to it at first, it gave me some indirect resolve on my losses with KC adding to the strange sensation of freedom I began to experience after our last meet. I politely informed Ranta as she made her way down to start her day that Nupu passed. She pet him and began crying. Another girl crying with me in it somehow! LOL. I guess it was my turn to be that friend. She wrapped him and later found a place to bury him in the yard as I was on my way home to California.
Getting home gave me the same sensation it did in years past when I was away visiting in Minnesota--subtle content that I had made it back. When I got to my jeep in the parking lot waiting for me to start it, I laughed. Relief came over me that I couldn't quite place. As usual, I park in the same letter and number that I do in any parking structure or area: 3C. The drive home was the same. Adel's HELLO began playing over the radio like a James Bond theme song to my real life, which at times feels like a movie. It was the music that played most of my trip especially when I woke or was getting ready to fall asleep, but this time it was my current life sound track for the drive. It's the same drive I've done for the last couple of years except this time I wasn't stressed to get back or excited to see anyone. It was just the drive home to where I live and where I keep my stuff. I thought of all of them...all of the people, especially the girls, that had come into and out of my life in the last three years and smiled. They all had their part in my arrival to that very moment in time, and whatever part I got to play in theirs lives, I can only hope was more good than anything else even in the difficult situations. All things are one and written by the same hand.
Hello, it's me.
I was wondering if after all these 'months' you'd like to meet
and go over everything
They say that time's supposed to heal ya,
but I haven't done much healing.
Hello, can you hear me?
I'm in California Dreaming about how we used to be
when we were younger and free
I've forgotten how it felt when the world fell apart at our feet
There's such a difference between us and a million miles
Hello from the other side
I must've called a thousand times
To tell you I'm sorry
For everything that I've done
But when I call you never
Seem to be home
Hello from the outside
At least I can say that I've tried
To tell you I'm sorry
For breaking your heart
But it don't matter, it clearly
Doesn't tear you apart anymore
Hello, how are you?
It's so typical of me to talk about myself, I'm sorry
I hope that you're well
Did you ever make it out of that town
Where nothing ever happened?
It's no secret
That the both of us
Are running out of time
by Adele....
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