Sunday: The Sound Of Silence...Updated 09/14/16 08:31 AM.

Saturdays come and go. Every so often I try and get out and socialize with a crowd or at least be in a crowd versus sitting at home watching a show or movie with my housemate or just alone. Sure there is a girl or two that I could share the time with, but when you're not sure you have a future with any given one, it's better to think in the clear and be alone. This Saturday was a busy day between tax preparation, jeep inspection and cleaning, and gym-time. I've been lacking just a touch in the gym department this week largely due to a muscle strain I gave myself deep in my transverse abdominal muscles. It's an area I've been having subtle but increasing discomfort over the last week. It's either due to a build-up of bowel material or the same deep injury from earlier in the year now more apparent this week. Whichever the case, I had to take down the workout a notch or two this week, and that's OK to do..ya know..self-love.

The movie Kickboxer was on and seeing an old Van Damme movie is usually a good motivator to get out to the gym a second time in one day to test my healing progress. I went. I violently kicked and punched a bag, and eventually, I left...exhausted. I met up with my chic friend and frequent partner in crime for some casual shopping and food. Eventually, we ended up at one of the local dive bars for a drink and burger. I'm not sure how we got to the topic, but the conversation was more or less on the craziness of my former significant-the nurse. Oh, yeah. She still attempts to plague me now and then in drunken stoopers but recently because of back pain. It appears she ultimately wants to be 'friends' after all this time. I mean. I guess, and I guess I'm not interested. Neutral-Yes. Friendly or cordial-sure. Friends as if she didn't manage to do some horrible thing to me when I actually needed her-I pretty sure "No," because it would communicate that she didn't do anything wrong at all. And, that's just not true. I allowed the dialog to open in light of things I've written about people and the possibility that change within a person can come with time, effort, or even circumstance. That being stated, I hope she is a better person, but I'm good with maybe emergency-level need-to-communicate. No more. Maybe less. LOL.

In the middle of it, the jukebox was on and a familiar song began to play. The Sound Of Silence by Disturbed. The pace of this version of the song is slower and a bit darker than I already knew it to be in the original by Simon and Garfunkel. I don't listen to that song and others like it because of the times in my life they bring up and places around the world they bring me back to from my world exploits. As deeper emotions began to surface with their associated memories, I continued to engage in the conversation as best as I could. I was trying to avoid falling into the pit of life regrets and a few quiet victories that had transpired. Most of them alone but not lonely. Being alone in life is as good of an experience as it is to be paired up, but there are some things I'd redo with someone to share the moments with and maybe share a thought or two. I thought of my most recent former in all of it..and how "my words like silent raindrops fell," when it came to finding some neutral ground between us. It had been some number of weeks since our last encounter that was silent but communicative. So, I thought. As I usually say to myself when I realize how much time goes by, and as it likey happens to some people, I find myself saying something casual to her in my thoughts as if she were listening. My mentor says it's my own therapeutic way of dealing with loss. Then, I laugh realizing how stupid it likely is all things considered. Maybe. I believe all things are one, and people that have completed the circle of life, at points, remain connected and only have to focus enough on their person to be heard through space and time. Whether the other person is listening or not is a different story. 

Eventually, I left the pub and stopped by my favorite 7-11 for a few Scratcher tickets. Those things always seem to give me subtle moments of happiness even if I don't win. I figured a few would be good and help improve my ongoing internal struggle that started with the sound of that vocalist's voice. I sat in my Jeep to scratch and see what I won if anything. Although it may be a simple pass-time, I often go and get a ticket or two and people-watch as numbers of people walk in and out out of the place. I did it much more when I had first arrived in the area because I didn't know anybody and hadn't quiete developed the routine I have in place now, and it's good people watching! LOL. Then I leave after I get my fill of both: Scratchers and people watching.

I had a couple of winners, but because I had injured my ankle kicking the shit out of the bag earlier, I sat a bit longer before I went in to cash them out. I was putzing on my phone not paying attention my surroundings, which is a rarity for me...not minding my surrounding, but there I was playing Keno on my phone failing to notice my recent former getting a movie out of the Redbox. I started backing out hoping to go unnoticed, but by the looks of it, she was off in lala land and didn't even notice me. 

Later, as I passed out, the music resumed into my dreams...the sound of silence played. I walked along the cobblestone streets somewhere in Italy or France. I couldn't quiet remember where the scene was from in my past, but it was one I had been to it before in my real life and also in dreams before the events that brought me to them originally. I followed the signs in my life early on never knowing what to expect, but I knew I needed to show up to find out. I was just rounding the corner of one of the buildings when I was awoken by the sounds of Mortal Combat being played at 4:00 AM. I mean, really?! I tried to pass out again, but it didn't happen without a migraine that had started to brew in my dreams. I wondered if the dreams brought on the headache because of their content or if the headache had brought on the dreams, whichever the case, I had to change my day because I was less functional when I needed to wake. 

My normal approach to the day changed because of the headache, and eventually after some coffee and Advil, I made the approach to the gym. The Sound Of Silence played on my music app because I was trying to wear it out of my head and figure out why I was so full of emotion beyond the obvious scenes of war that came with them. Striving to keep pace, I wiped my forehead and eventually my eyes from sweat and the development of emotion in my eyes because I couldn't quite shut off the scenes as the moments passed. Eventually, I switched on some Annie Lennox.

I was clear long enough to switch over to a different cardio machine and start a second round of cardio. I looked up and saw that same familiar frame and hair style walk by. It was her..again. There are a few other gals at my gym that are close to her size, hair color, and even style, and they often catch my attention for a moment or so till I realize their not her, then I just wonder if they're free cause I apparently am attracted to that size of gal. LOL. But, when it is her, in those ever so rare moments, I know it instantly. She either saw me or didn't, but whichever the case, she went on with her business. I kept on with my elevated, fasted pace walk. Eventually I made my way to what I was going to start today for a workout. One of the regular gym gals came to say hello and ask a couple of nutrition questions. As she went on her way, I turned toward the front of the gym to switch my pull-up grip. There in the mirror reflection I saw her looking at me. She only stared at me for a few moments making note of the woman that had stopped to talk to me. She continued her workout for a brief period longer, but she eventually made her way out again acknowledging my presence. I guess the Universe was putting me in her way for whatever the reason, or maybe the opposite. Whichever the case, I decided to drive to the beach and watch the sunset. This is the picture above.
There it is. 

Tuesday: Sunset, Sunrise, And Thoughts On Being In The Moment.

It was just after 7:00 PM when the sun began to set. It was hot and muggy. The sandflies were barely minding their distance because of a few Deep smoke sticks I lit all around my camp zone, but it was enough. It was just enough reprieve from the insects to fall into my thoughts for the day or maybe resume a few thoughts that had crept into my head from earlier that morning when everything was waking. As the sun warmed the small particles of sand stuck to my skin because the humidity was thick and like glue, I could hear the air run in and out of my nose. For a moment I was brought back in time to a place were I sweat buckets while doing essentially the same posses for 90 minutes of active stretching in Bikrum Yoga--I listened to air run in and then out of my nose as I awaited the instructor to signal the next move. In those few moments, I wondered where I was at in life, what I was doing, and if this was it, "Am I where I'm supposed to be?" Then, like now, I wasn't sure because in the background of what has become a normal, routine life a small awareness that I, or at least part of me, was still moving or maybe just wanting to be in motion..still searching for knowledge. 

There is nothing more to struggle against. There is no enemy. There is enough to be had, and I am getting to enjoy the real sensation of enjoying the moment. But, it seems so hard to reprogramme my mind to do because most of my life I had to struggle. I guess I still struggle. We all struggle now and then, but it is different. As I thought about that sense of 'needed motion', I wondered if it was more of a human nature instinct to feel as if we have to maintain some level of perpetual motion in life. The idea that you can stand still but keep up with life is a misnomer. Standing still too long may mean you're actually moving backward. I guess its that sensation that you get after achieving some impossible task in your life. Ya know...that question, "Now what? Now, what should I do?" Maybe nothing. Maybe I should do nothing and just exist in the moment that I help create by showing up and just be in it as long as I can. Just being in the 'here and now' is ok. It's allowed, but there is something in me and maybe other people that doesn't always allow for me to be in it for too long. It could just be childhood fear of living in a hostile living environment where moods and attitudes could change instantly with little or no reason and the potential for physical harm was real. So, those quiet moments between 'events' may just scare me because of bad or negative reinforcement of not being able to enjoy the moment too long... or else. 

That being said, I think succumbing to the moment makes me feel that I've arrived and there is nothing over which to worried. Maybe this is an existential expression of taking control back from the insecurity of those early years and how I win over them now. Perhaps. I should date one of the gals I know that is half normal and a decent human being and live out my days striving to be happy and forget all the things that brought me to this point in life. Maybe I can be happy or am I lying to myself so I can believe I can be happy while trying to suffocate that internal need to keep going because that road has proven to be a lonely one, mostly, with short glimpses of connection enough to have kept me moving along. 

Maybe, it's the Universe, the Creator tugging me toward where I should be getting to in the long life plan, but because I needed to believe again by watching the sunset in all its majesty, that there is still a ways to go. I need to keep on preparing for it...the rest of the days I am to live when I put my hand back onto the proverbial plow. There is some excitement that comes with that thought as much as there is pain; I'm not as young as I used to be. Then again, I'm not as old as I could be either. So whichever it is,  human nature is just acting up again because it's really never satisfied. Or, is it something more that I should pay attention to because minding the same inclinations in the past has saved me from much worse things. I suppose we'll see what the days ahead will bring...confusion or clarity. 
There it is.