Last weekend started out pretty typical for me...a drive to work through the canyon and a short ride down the PCH to my Malibu client's office, but not before I made a stop by my neighborhood Starbucks for a cup of Joe. A cup of Joe is good company if there's traffic because it's so much easier to deal with any traffic if not dismiss it when I can sip and listen to the music.
I admit the weekend was, much like the rest of the week, permeated by last Friday's morning coffee experience with my former. The more I thought about why it stuck with me, it became more clear; I had anticipated that day for so long (well since my arrival to California) that the fact that it was actually happening didn't register in my head, and I had drowned out its possibility or hope with other noise from other parts of my life. Fortunately for me, one of my morning coffee friend was there to more or less keep me in the present. This eventually led to me reading over a few emails (Five Total) I had sent to her, and in one of them I mentioned that whenever I had made it to Starbucks that, "I, at times, sit at Starbucks wondering if you're gonna walk in one day...foolishly being a hopeful optimist." It was in that instant that I was signally to her and myself that I was letting it go. Or so I thought. I had written those words because she had not taken the time to acknowledge me or any of the emails I had sent her because it was according to her, "better for me not to so I can move forward," when we did finally run into each other and talked a bit months after my arrival. Yeah. It took that long because I was not forcing the issue or going out of my way to make anything happen. I thought about it since she said it, forward, because she had used it before.
Both parties have a responsibility to the other, if not to themselves to be willing or at least see there is basic need to bring resolve when they are aware things are not whole or right. No one, in good conscious, should walk away from difficult or even hurtful situations, when appropriate, so as to wipe the slate clean of the other or the situation(s) because the notion implies 'as long as I can shut out that part of my life experience or that person everything will be "'O.K.'" Right?! But, will you be? Will one, you or the other or both people be "O.K."? Can one live well with a divided self? The answer is easy: NO. You can not...not a full and healthy life that is engaged with all the facets of being a human. I guess if you just want to simply exist, it's possible, but those people have a tendency to become addicts because they have to drown out the pain of not feeling or feeling the wrong things. We should want more out of life when we can have it!! This is true.
It was not as foolish as much as it was positive thinking on my part to believe that a better resolve could come from my hopeful optimism of a better ending between her and me even if it only amounts to amacability according to my mentor. What you can think of in your person, mind, and feel in your soul may very well be a true resonance from the Universe prodding you to get to it or back into it that situation. Listening to those resnonances from within me changed my life when I was a younger man; it's what brought me as far as I've come, and it's what help create the way I think and continue to evolve as a person. What I had to do was listen, be aware of the signs, and find the peace in and toward them as they related to my path. Albeit, it has not been easy task to do so at times, and sometimes the pain and the difficulties of the situation(s) can make it hard for us to listen or even want to listen, but we have to because it's not just about you or me-it's about everyone, and the outcome of your life as well as theirs depend on it.
It's in these in between moments that I find myself whispering into the air as if a certain someone was standing next to me listening. I tell her about the weather and how good we have it laughing at the fact that it was she that pointed it out to me sarcastically as we watched the sun set on Zuma. When the air is so cold that I can see my breath and see the heavy mist on the mountains, I comment into the air that it's super beautiful and smile wondering if she got that same image as she drives to work or does whatever she's doing. When I watch UFC matches and people are yelling and cheering, I laugh half knowing she's doing the same thing somewhere else if not in the same place and I didn't see her there. I'm sure that sounds crazy, but considering the interconnectedness of all things, it's really one way to create within yourself positive vibes and emit them to someone somewhere else. Again, things that should be shared directly, but I can settle for indirectly till a different day arrives or the internal draw to do so fades. 
My recent new perspective of shame, guilt, and social judgement from my study of the Brenne Brown series has challenged my need to complete my book. Yes. I 'promised' I would not relent until it was 100% complete. I'm completing the final approvals for the pages of the book now, but I wrote the story originally to tell people the background story of my personal life versus all the crap that was actually happening in my life beginning with my cancer survival experience and its aftermath to the day I arrived in California again last June. The trouble is that I can't finish the story as it ended in my blog. The story is still happening now and days we see each other since. It's only happened a handful of times, and for whatever reason more in the last few weeks than the last few months all together. So, I've had to think just a little more about it every day. I hadn't thought about it for a good while until last week when she walked into the place I've sat at nearly every day I had a chance hoping she might break her silence towards me. And her walking into it knowing I was there, is a good sign that I need to rethink what I include in the book even if nothing comes out of it for me or between us, but it will give her some control of that part of her life again...maybe even some peace of mind.
The picture with the white lounger has a plywood printed picture that will be the cover picture of my book. There it is.
#GetAdjustedToTheGoodLife #Californiadreaming #Whatsmissinginthispicture
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